Over the past few dacades, using computer and internet for edcational material learnings is becoming more and more popular. As a result, some people strongly maintain that with educating children by computer and internet is better than going to school(문장의 어휘 순서를 좀 바꾸었습니다),(콤마로 뒤에 있는 문장"while~"과 한 문장으로 합칩니다) while,(콤마 불필요) some people(보다는 >others) advocate tradtional schooling. It is very
difficult to choose one. In this essay, I will express my own(센스있게) point of view in detail.
To begin with, computer and Internet is(복수형! >are) very(불필요) great idea('idea'는 여기서 부적절한 단어입니다. >tools) for children's education.
In Recently,a lot of children use computer and search useful data from the internet. Also, most of them have a kind of trend that is computer friendly mind(보다는 >most of them tend to have friendly feelings towards computers), this is very a big advantage for(부적절) of using computer for educational purposes. Furthermore, using computer for education is very fun(보다는> educating students online or by using computers gives a great excitement) and a lot of good educational contents are made online by professional education(불필요) groups like education specialists and as well as highly qualified professors. It is true that computer and internet are crucial as a new method of in educational environment.
On the other hand, schools and teachers teach about not only academical knowledge but also human relationship. Students, especially young ones
students(중복되어 삭제), should learn a lot of understandings/knowledge that must be consumed when creating relationships with teachers and their friends.
Moreover, student will be able to obtain chances to face many kinds of peole with different personalities and experience many kinds of people
(순서바꿈) about what sociality is through school lives(복수형). It('It'이 무엇을 가리키는지 불분명. 구체적으로 제시할 것!) When children go to shool,
has many benefits to(삭제) such as making up(보다는 >buiding up) their of human networks and to developing their sense(단어 철자에 주의하세요) of relationship can be given to them. In addition, they can use diverse facilities of school such as library, laboratory, and school gym. By using this(>these 복수형으로 수정) facilities, they can learn more easier and faster.
comportable(>comfortable 단어 철자 주의!)----> 'more comfortable'과
'easier'를 나란히 두는 것은 옳지 않습니다. 그래서 삭제하겠습니다.
From what has been discussed above, there are advantages at the same time(어디에 어떤 장점이 있다는 건지...말이 안됩니다. 삭제하겠습니다).
However, In my view, it is better to study in school with teachers because instead of just learning knowledge online, students should study not only academical knowledge but also and experience a lot of cases of occuring
when strking up relationships among the with surrounding people. Therefore, I firmly believe that educating students should be made clear by schools and teachers education(삭제) and in that way, is more useful children learn and study more effectively than(철자 유의!) any other methods.
계속해서 반복되는 'education'등등의 어휘에서 vocabulary를 많이
기르셔야 할 듯 합니다. |