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(Personal하게 써주시는 것 보다는 그저 그래프에 대한 정보를 전달해주시면 됩니다)> In this report I am writing to describe The above graph which contains information on cinema attendance in the UK.
In general, there is an increasing trend on overall patterns even though there was were a slight drop in 2000 as the visitors to cinema went came back to the similar number in ten years ago (the year 1990).<(different age group 별로 정보가 나눠져있다고 전달 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
From 1990 to 2010, elders always are the most frequent visitors to the cinema as in 1990 there were about 37% and in 2010, 51% of them visited came there. In 1990, the percentage of the middle-aged people (from 34 to 44 years old) was just a little lower than the elder age (about 36%). However, 20 years later, even the number of people in this group came to cinema increased, but the speed of increasing was not as fast as the elder group and stop at about 43% in 2010. (Need better transition) About 25% of the young group (aged 24-34) came to the cinema in 1990 and rose raised to 29% in 1995. After the decreasing in 2000, five years later there was a we witnessed the dramatic growth as there were 32% of them visited cinema. This figure stayed the same until 2010. (Need better transition) The youngest group (aged 14-24) seems to be the least frequent visitors as in 1990, only 15% of them came to watch movies and even the number of visitors to cinema of this group was continuously rising, 20 years later (the year 2010) the percentage of this group visited cinema just slightly passed 20%.
Score: 6 Comment: 그래프는 잘 이해하신 것 같습니다. 하지만 내용 정리가 조금 더 필요하며 reference가 accurate하지 않습니다. elders/middle-aged/young/youngest 라고 reference 해주시기 보다는 그저 age~age group라고 전달 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 24-34 years old가 young 이여도 14~24도 youngest지만 young 합니다. 또한 elder는 대부분 60대이상을 elder이라고 합니다. 또한 transition에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같스빈다.. 문법상 주로 표현에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |