▶ Your Answer :
In modern society, females’ rights have
been changed during the last several
decades leading to appearing the trend of working women. It is often a controversial
issue over whether with the conventional mindset women must stay in the at home or
they should give a huge influence in the workplace of the near future.
Personally, I am in favor of the latter opinion since the world is has changed and now
there are tons(informal 한 단어에요) many of diverse jobs for women.
First of all, nowadays, the right of women
has an equal power with men and the occupations requiring the women’s ability
are increasing. In the past, Equal Rights Movements have had a great progress
and it has become a normal for women to gain qualifications and pursue a
career. Through this movement, gender discrimination had disappeared.
Therefore, compared to the previous generations the appearance of female
leaders such as owners of the eminent companies and even presidents in many
countries are growing in our society. This means that females have a potential power,
which the male cannot beat (의미를 잘 파악하지 못하겠어요).
(transition이 잘 안되어있어요)
To be more specific, basically, women tend
to have a character more sophisticated character than men.) For example, they are likely
to store up documents very clearly and try to work without any mistakes while
the most men are easy to process try to finish the tasks as fast as possible.)<-awkward sentence) Moreover, when it comes to careers involving babies and care service for the elderly, in
the centers such as baby or the old care
service which will be a boom in an aged society, numerous people prefer the
woman female workers since they believe that the
women would have more experiences to rear babies or the elderly with a gentle
mind than man. As a result, considering all
these benefits of working women, I believe that they should participate in the
workplace, playing a huge role.
In conclusion, more and more females are
working in the office compared to the past. However, Even though some people
argue that women’s role is in the home which is very conservative, I think that
women must work as an important member in the future as many sectors of our
society need their capacities.
Score: 5 Comment: Need revision and improvement한 에세이 입니다. 아이디어랑 내용은 좋은거 같아요 대신 문법, sentence structure, 하고 생각 반영하는데에 실수가 많으신거 같아요. Transition할때 조심해주세요. 만약에 이야기가 잘 이어나가지 않으면 reader가 off-topic이라고 생각을 할수도 있어요
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