▶ Your Answer :
A globalized
world decreased the importance of some rare languages making those languages to
be disappeared. And some people are satisfied with this situation for an easy communication
between countries and individuals. <앞 문장과 agree하는 내용이기 때문에 however이라는 cohesion이 맞지 않습니다>However, extinction of languages will only bring
positive consequences. <(question mark가 아니라 period을 쓰실려고 했던것 같습니다)
Gradual
prevalence of some dominant languages like English and Chinese beyond minority
languages entangled the world together. By using these languages, administrations
between countries became easier than before, people around the world can share
same cultural products without disturbance, and we started to embedding new
outcomes grounded in sharing same language. <(need to develop more)
However, there might be some side effects we can forecast. First of
all, our thoughts think on world would be simplified. Many studies revealed a connection
between word and thinking. Thus, unified language will eliminate diverse and
unique thinking around the world. Secondly, we might lose huge amount of
precious and irreplaceable historical and cultural heritages. Without proper
language which can translate and make understood a complicated but meaningful
heritages understood, these achievements of ancestors will be forgotten someday. Lastly, and
simply, the world would be less dynamic. <need better coherence> We can easily imagine an exotic street
that everybody is saying a,( ??) a joy of learning different languages with a person
with different cultural background, and a thrill that we can share a common
feeling and thinking even though we are using a different language.
In conclusion, I advocate the positive effects of sharing small
number of languages by sacrificing several minor languages,. I also cannot ignore
the huge negative effects. We should not give up the great gift of diverse
language by some temporary reasons which can be conquered by the development of
technology.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용은 fair 한데 글쓴이의 주장이 불투명해 보입니다. 한말로는 질문내용을 agree 하고 다른 말로는 disagree합니다. body 내용상은 disagreeing reasoning을 더 develop 해주셨기 때문에disagree를 더 하시는 것 처럼 보입니다. 조금 더 글쓴이의 주장을 clear하게 state해주시고 reasoning을 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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