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In recent years, environment has been changing extremely in our planet earth due to from human society. <(Need to improve. 주제외에 글쓴이가 에세이에서 전달하고자하는 내용을 thesis statement을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) In recent years, environment has changed evidently from human societies. <(repetitive.) There’s<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않습니다. 풀어서 쓰셔야합니다. 또한 is가 아니라 are이 와야합니다) a lot of There are many reasons why human societies destroy make the destruction of the environment and negative effect <(negative effect of what?). Firstly , nowadays, modern society needs many lot’s of resources to maintain for remain and develop our convenient life. To be specific, we have destroyed has destroy frost <(???)and mountains to for get resources and materials and built a road or a town. Secondly, people gradually want more convenience in their life. This desire induce to invent and produce many lot’s of new products. To For make new goods, we needs many factories. The problem is some factories pollute the make pollution in river, land, and even the sky, and also, to for build factories we occasionally decide to kill forests and mountains to have a for get place to build. (Need to use transition) I regard there are big problems to our future. That is, arouse desertification and extinction of animals. In nature, the ecosystem and food chain is vitally important to all creatures. However, these This days we are losing the natural environment. <(문장별 내용 연결이 잘 안되며 elaboration이 더 필요합니다) I think protecting the change of environment is quite arduous. Nevertheless, we have a some solution. In my opinion, governments should support environmentally friendly companies and also, consumer should also try select eco-friendly goods. To do this, nations will have to invest in public service announcements and the education to for realize about the seriousness of environment pollution.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 정리가 잘 안되어있으며 conclusion이 없습니다. 전체적으로 coherence가 떨어지기도 하며 흐름이 좋지 않는 부분들도 잇습니다. 또한 tone이 많이 informal하게 들립니다. 조금 더 formal 한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어형태, 동사, 전치사, collocation, 그리고 sentence verb agreement에 틀리시고 계십니다. 문법과 표현에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |