As the issue of people not interacting with others in the same neighbourhood has been increasing, the meaning of community is getting lost. This essay will outline (기존 표현도 문법상 틀린 건 아닙니다.) outlines some of the major reasons behind the trend and some possible solutions.
To begin with the causes, people in modern society lead busy lives. Since society is becoming competitive, people often struggle with their work. Even after finishing a given task at work, people prefer to engage in some activities related to their hobbies or personal achievements. From that, there is less chance or occasion to get to know people in the community. Furthermore, people are more vigilant to from becoming close to strangers even if they are in the same residence area because of social issues such as an increase of crime rate. In fact, neighbours are more comfortable to talk with people they are already familiar with and this rarely allows newcomers to expand their network in the community.
To solve the problem, however, there are several reasonable ideas. Firstly, introducing government campaigns to encourage residents to talk to each other can have an effect. This will make people aware of the issues that they are losing a definition of community and provide some opportunities to communicate with others. Secondly, investing in community centres by governments and local authorities. (여기도 불완전한 문장이므로 위와 비슷한 맥락에서 수정해주시면 됩니다.) Once various club activities and social events are open, residents willingly join the community because they are able to learn some skill set as well as build personal connections which may benefit their works or lives.
In conclusion, people nowadays are becoming distant from one another because of their hectic schedules and mistrust in others. However, implementing campaigns and investing in community facilities can be workable solutions for the issues.
총평: (8/7/7/6) 7.0
지금 글 한정으로 간혹 비문이 있어서 문법에서 조금 아쉽긴 했지만, 이전에 게시판 내에 올려주신 글들을 보면 문법/어휘에 그렇게 큰 문제는 없었습니다.
고로 여기서 0.5점을 더 올리기 위해서는, 내용 관련해서는 첨삭을 통해 수정한다고 가정했을 때, 나머지 어휘 문법에서의 보강은, 검증된 모범답안을 보면서 사용된 어휘와 표현들을 분석하고 익혀주시는 쪽으로 하면 됩니다.
또한, 고득점에 갈수록 task 1의 중요성은 더 커집니다. 전 수험생이 공통으로 Task 1을 더 못 쓰기도 하고, 아마 높은 확률로 향이님도 시험장에서 task 2는 7.0, 7.5 받으셨지만 task 1때문에 까였을 거에요. 그러므로 task 1 연습을 절대 등한시하지 말고 꾸준히 해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)
지난 시험에서 각각 6.5와 7 받았습니다.. 7.5를 목표하고 있습니다! 늘 감사드립니다!