The development of technology has advanced at a rapid pace,>> which가 앞문장 전체를 받는 것으로 콤마 which를 써서 나타낼 수 있습니다 which has changed our lifestyles tremendously, comparing>> compared 의 형태는 쓰이지 않습니다 comparing이라고 항상 써주세요 to the past few years. Due to these improvements and introduction of TVs and computers, more and more children prefer increasingly >> more and more보다 아카데믹하고 좋은 표현이 increasingly 입니다 동사 뒤에 써주세요 to stay indoors rather than outdoors, >> 역시 앞문장을 받는 which의 수식절이므로 콤마를 써줍니다 which can cause serious outcomes.
Firstly, as technology improves, our environment has also changed. Before, people used to live in houses which had large backyards, compared>> comparing 으로 써주세요 to now that people live in small and >> and로 두 형용사를 이어주세요 confined apartments. Due to these children, nowadays, >> Due라는 전치사 뒤에 콤마와 nowadays라는 부사 사이와 뒤에 콤마가 들어갑니다 opt to stay indoors which leads to a lack of movements >> movement 는 가산으로 처리되기 때문에 관사가 필요합니다. As the area inside the house has limited space, children tend to play board games and computers that require much lesser energy, comparing to outdoor activities such as running and playing football. This reduced movements can make a child demotivated and lead to serious illnesses such as obesity >> illnesses 복수로 처리하셨기에 뒤에 예를 두개를 들어주는게 더 좋을 듯 싶습니다.
Furthermore, as children intend to stay indoors, communication between friends and others will be reduced. In the past, parks were crowded with children where they played and ran around. However, nowadays, it has been said that no more children visit the park anymore, >> 접속사로 처리된 as 앞에 콤마를 넣어주세요 as they fell in>> fall in ~~ 형태로 in을 넣어드렸습니다 watching TV, which >> fell이 아닌 fallen 이였다면 가능할테지만 동사가 중복되어 바꿔드렸습니다 is more enjoyable. If this goes on, a child's social skill will be low that can make him to inhabit a shy and a demotivated nature.>> inhabit a shy and a demotivated nature 가 어떤 뜻으로 작성된건가요? 부끄럽고 동기부여되지않은 자연을 금지한다 가 어떤걸 의미하는지 잘 모르겠습니다
These problems can be solved by many ways. One of the many >> 앞에 썼으며 굳이 many를 붙이지 않아도 됩니다ways is to spend time with children for outdoor activities such as cycling regularly. It is important for the child to gain interests>>가산명사이므로 s나 관사 a 붙여주세요 to these activities so that he spends more time outdoors voluntarily. This will make a child's health body healthier as well as his mind healthier.
그래머에서의 실수가 부분적으로 있었습니다 표시해드린 부분 확인해주시길 바라구요
중간에 잘 이해가 안 가는 부분이 있었지만 전체적인 논리는 평탄했다고 여겨집니다
조금 더 쓰시면서 글 쓰는 스킬에 익숙해지고 익히신다면 논리 부분에서 전개가 굉장히 좋은 글이 나올 것 같습니다 주제에 따라서 많이 변할 수 있기 때문에 다른 주제의 글도 써보세요
child의 반복은 아쉬웠습니다 children, the young, young people 등의 다양한 어휘를 구사해주세요
Task Achievement – 6
Coherence and Cohesion – 6
Lexical Resources – 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6