▶ Your Answer :
There are various opinions on how to prevent diseases in our society. Some people says government should put their effort on
making a healthy culture among citizens which can press illness causing occurring factors in
their daily lives. On the other hand, the other people insist that public
support should be focused on curing patients because they are suffering right
now, in this time. I agree with both of these opinions. However, after
comparing both views, I would like to suggest more persuasive side. <(글쓴이의 주장을 clear하게 introduction에 써주시면 좋습니다 에세이 자체가 글쓴이의 주장을 support 해주셔야하기 때문에 conclusion 보다는 introduction에 주장을 써주셔야합니다. Conclusion은 에세이 내용에 대한 결론을 써주시고 다시 한번 다른 말로 글쓴이의 주장을 써주시면 됩니다)
First of all, a treatment approach can be
effective in case of the illness quite epidemic <(??). In the case of SARS or MERS in highly condensive <(???) society like today, first aid to patients is extremely important. Beyond a moral standard that a person who is in need of care should
be cured first, an intensive approach to the people who are already sick can
provide a security to other citizens by preventing an illness to be moved ???. Additionally,
we can find a brand-new remedy which can be usable in the near future while
curing a patient.
However, to prevent an illness, the best
option we can and should take is not an after service. By promoting to quality
hygiene and supply upper standard of sanitation to public, we can build a
ground of healthy life style. After this hardware like approach, software should
followed . The government of people must encourage citizens to maintain their
health by regular exercise, cooperation to authority in relation, and be
educated about hygiene. Through these multi-dimensional approach, government can
ensure best out fit ?? which is a prevention of illness.
In conclusion, curing a patient can be highly
effective in a selective cases. But, to achieve a prevention of diseases, a
government should invest to cultivate a healthy lifestyle among citizens that
can provide them an safe and secure society.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 내용이 좋습니다. 다만 쓰시는 표현이나, spelling, 문법에 자주 틀리시고 계십니다. Spelling mistake을 줄이기 위해서는 꼭 proofreading을 해주시는게 좋습니다. 쓰시는 표현 또한 다양하게 써주시면 좋습니다. 또한 hardware/software approach는 주로 교육과 과련되게 쓰이는 표현입니다. 그리고 hardware/software인 만큼 기계와 관련된 approach 입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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