▶ Your Answer : With increase in the number of highly educated womens, the family units and family members' roles have been changed. This essay will discuss how those changes are happening and impacts of those changes in negative and positive views, followed by a reasoned conclusion.
First of all, as it mentioned above, the increase in highly educated womens contributed to changes to family structures and their roles, as the womens avoid to have a child to develop their job career. Thus family units are getting smaller consisting of mainly husband and wife only, and sometimes with only one child. Naturally, according to this trend, the concept of traditional family members' roles are is also moving from to one leader who has to take the responsibility for financial aid for economic to two leaders sharing the economy almost in equal. Both of husband and wife have a job to maintain family's living, and domestic chores are done by both of them also either.
These changes would be positive in short sighted views, because the national workforce would be plentiful with participation of highly educated womens who can keep their job even after they are married. Also, the level of individual's happiness would be improved by the fact that they can fulfill their life more by not always having to sacrifice for the family live fulfilled their own life, doing not have to do scarifice for their child. However, I believe, in a long term views, this will bring negative impacts to the society making the society's workforce older, and non-competitive. This would affect on the economy economic negatively, and then the individual's happiness could also drop be downgrading too. <(글쓴이의 의견을 묻고 있기 때문에 글쓴이의 의견에 focus를 더 두시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In conclusion, the family structure is getting smaller due to the increase in the level of women's education with equal roles between husband and wife in economic for family's living. This would be positive in short sighted views, but in the long term, it will bring older workforce to the society, which would affect negatively on the economy economic of the society and the level of individual's happiness. <(repetitive. 조금 더 summarize를 해주시거나 in other words로 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 하지만 내용/글 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 주로 article 사용이나 동사에 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현을 써주시며 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에은ㄴ 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |