▶ Your Answer :
In the past, people became successful due to their persistent hard work and it is still valid. Therefore, luck has nothing to do with success, because luck does not come all the time. In my perspective, the hard work is the one that creates the luck. This essay will discuss both of these reasons to support my arguments. When people were continuously working hard, it could mean that they are persistently prepared for the coming future. In other words, when people do the hard work persistently and be ready, they can possess many competitive edges. Also, they may be able to see their own opportunities and those are the direct pathway to the success. Luck could be more appealing than hard work, but it does not occur every day. However, hard work can be available at any time.<(so what? elaborate) Also, the result does not betray the effort. Benjamin Franklin had mentioned "the energy and persistence conquer all things". Like this, the persistence is the most important in order to create the luck. <(문단의 unity가 조금 떨어집니다) Luck itself does not mean anything. Let us say someone had the lucky chance to win a lottery. However, without hard work to persistent of that money <(?), he or she may not able to possess of that money forever. Therefore, the hard work to persistent of the money <(?) is as important as the preparation for the coming opportunities. <(문단이 전달하고자 하는 message가 조금 unclear합니다) In conclusion, the luck is the creation from the hard work and persistence. Also, the luck does not come all the time but the hard working can creates the luck <(repetitive). Therefore, success comes from working hard the hard working.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 fair하다고 생각합니다. 다만 문단별 transitioning이 weak하기 때문에 에세이의 흐름이 좋지 않습니다. 또한 표현상 persistent/persistence라는 단어를 너무 많이 쓰시기 때문에 내용이 더 repetitive하게 들리고 쓰시는 표현이 한정적으로 보입니다. 조금 더 다양한 단어들을 사용해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 어떤 부분에서는 persistence가 운을 만들기에 제일 중요하다고 해주셨고 다른 곳에서는 hard work가 제일 중요하다고 해주셨습니다. 그렇기 때문에 글쓴이의 의견이 헷갈리게 들립니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우 운이 항상있지는 않지만 노력은 언제나 할수 있다 고 해주셨는데 이것이 주제와 어떤 관련이있는지 잘 서술해주시지 않았으며 conclusion은 persistence가 운을 만든다고 했는데 문단에서 이 내용을 서술해주시지는 않은 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |