The government should sometimes infinge on people's freedom for the security of society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Infringement on people’s freedom is apparently not an appropriate deed. Therefore, it is often said that the government should not infringe on people’s freedom in society at all, while others are against it. This essay will discuss the reasons why people’s freedom can be sometimes limited by the government if it is for the security in terms of providing the standard of adequate behavior and making less problems.
Firstly, laws made by government provide the standard of adequate behavior (바로 앞에 쓰인 표현이므로, 가급적이면 대체해주시는 게 좋긴 하빈다.) in social life. Criminals, such as murderers and thieves who did something out of the law, such as murderers and robbers get punishment get punished by the laws. Therefore, these laws are this is actually a way for citizens not to commit crime so that society can be secure and stable. For example, criminal rates in Singapore is low compared to other countries due to a relatively higher level of punishment. In addition, South Korea could reduce the crime rate over 10 years by increasing the number of CCTVs despite of strong opposite opinions of infringement problems.
Secondly, freedom infringement of people can also decrease problems and conflicts in our society. Law for the road is one of the representative examples. Although it limits people’s freedom on the road, it increases the standard of living with higher security by imposing a fine on drivers who skirt the traffic signals. This eventually reduces other potential conflicts with other people such as car accidents. For example, South Korea introduced a law of limiting the maximum car speed in the cars speed for school zone area where it is nearby primary schools so that the car accident rate actually dropped significantly than before. ('사람들이 강화된 처벌을 의식하게 되면서' ~가 떨어졌다. 라고 적어주셔야 합니다. 그렇지 않을 경우 그냥 위에서 했던 말과 별 다를바가 없게 돼요.)
In conclusion, government can infringe citizens’ freedom for the secure society because it makes people to follow standard of behavior or healthy society and it also reduces problems and conflicts between each other.
총평: (6/6/7/6) 6.5
이번 글의 경우 어휘가 깔끔해서 약간의 플러스 요인은 있었지만, task1에서의 감점까지 고려했을 때 아직은 최종적으로 6.0일 확률이 더 높습니다. 고로 비슷한 말을 돌려말하는 것이 아니라 구체적인 근거를 부여하는 것, 그리고 문법을 보강하는 것의 두 가지에는 꼭 신경써주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)