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Nowadays, many people going travel as many as possible>> 동사는 어딨나요?. >> because 는 처음부터 문두에 쓰지 않고 It/That/This is because 식으로 씁니다 또한 because는 접속사라 완전한 문장 하나를 데리고 와야 쓸 수 있습니다Because it seems that travelling has many benefits. I will discuss about sort of advantages for travels, and why traveler’s number is increasing these decades.
To begin with, people go travels to relieve their stresses. Travel is literally meaning many kinds of outdoor activities, such as ; camping, hiking, fishing climbing, >> 세개 이상 항목 나열 중 마지막 and/or 앞에 콤마입니다 and etc.. Travelers can forget lots of worries and concerns, when they go out with families. I would like to give an example with my own experience. For example, I used to go to campsites with my wife. I can possibly forget many kinds of anxieties, as long as I enjoy camping. Camping has tremendous advantages, for example, I can see beautiful landscapes such as; gorgeous flowers, and abundant trees. Especially, while I enjoying camp fire, my wife and I drink some beers and it is the best way to relieve my stress. However, not only camp but also other activities can play roles of stress reliever. Moreover, >> 한 단어입니다 it can develop family’s love feeling. It is very important thing in family >> moreover는 주장을 나타내는 부사기에 이 문장 없애주세요.
The second point is that Secondly, travelling can make people refreshing. And refreshing is very important element, in terms of working.>> 설명이 없네요 For instance, during travelling, employees don’t need to think about their tasks or conference. And it is obviously true that, refreshing affect positively to employee’s working abilities too. That is why almost all of companies give one or two vacations to their staffs, during the holiday seasons. It seems to me that busy and competitive life might affect to people to go to travel more and more.
Lastly In conclusion, in my opinion, spending leisure time by travel is very good exit for the same routines.To sum up >> In conclusion 과 의미 중복이라 없애드렸습니다, travelers have been increasing, because of reasons that I have mentioned above. And it is also regarded as benefits for travelling at the same time.
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and also so or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 첨삭해드린 것이 전에 있으니 그것들 참고해주세요 문법과 단어가 약하단게 눈에 띕니다 travel 이라고만 계속 쓰시는 것도 있구요 사실 travel을 명사로 쓰는 것은 별로 선호되지 않습니다 이그제미너가 trip jouney 에 대한 차이점을 설명하던 중 travel은 그럼 무슨 차이냐 하니까 앞에 것들은 명산데 travel은 동사라고 했습니다 그렇게 우리와는 다르게 동사로 강하게 인식하고 있는게 영국 이그제미너입니다 그러니 너무 자주 쓰진 말아주시긴 바랍니다
첨삭은 우선 크게 보이는 것들을 위주로 간단하게만 해드렸습니다 우선 말씀드렸듯 Task1 과 문법 단어 공부가 우선입니다 문장들도 한 줄씩 엔터치지 말고 쭉 이어서 단락단락을 만들어주세요 |