▶ Your Answer :
Early child education will be a very significant task for
the society. Some adults believe that punishment is the one of ways to teach
children when they make a mistake commit an error badly. Others think that adults can set
children straight without any actsing of punishing. I agree with the latter and
strongly believe that the physical punishment should be prohibited on any
education circumstances.
(Bad transition)
However, I think that the former has a point since nowadays
many teachers are having difficulties with teaching teenagers. I am assuming
that dealing with young children would be the hardest things to do. Moreover,
some of them are need to be controlled by correcting their mistakes.
Despite the facts above, punishing students should not be
allowed on any education system or at home. According to the article that I
read before, most of criminals had bad violent memories with their teachers when
they were young and it was one of the factors that they commit crimes. Even though adults tried to fix them (what do you mean by them?), the way it only induced by bad results. This proves that how important the child education at an early age is. Aside from this, experiences of physical punishment bring more
violence to more people. For example, some old generations in Korea, who has
had a physical penalty during secondary school had used violence on to their
children. As a consequence, it can lead to never-ending circle of violence in
our society.
In the final analysis, there is no proper punishment if the
adults take the punishing with personal emotion. Nevertheless, it would be
stimulating for students by using the decent methods of punishment its without
hurting someone.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 주장이 이것도 저것도 아닌거 같습니다. 두번째 문단을 however 으로 시작하시고 세 번째 문단을 Despite로 시작을하셔서 주장을 두번 반박하고있습니다. 주장은 하나로 통일 하는게 좋습니다. 전체적으로 에세이가 질문을 답해주고 있지는 않습니다. Punishment를 통해 아이가 잘못된 점을 learn하는 것 대해 연결을 해서 쓰셔야 합니다. 지금 에세이는 violence/ physical punishment에 대해서 중점을 두신거 같습니다. 글은 specific하게 쓰시는 거 잊지말아주세요.
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