▶ Your Answer :
It is generally accepted that punishment is
one of the most effective methods to educate children about right and wrong. Therefore,
most people tend to approve teachers and parents to impose a variety of penalty on
young people. My viewpoint is incompatible with the perspective because I firmly
believe that the effects of punishment are momentary and could have negative
influences on the development of their mental aspects. In this essay, I will discuss
on its impermanence and suggest my standpoint on the issue.
It is undeniable that punishment could
provide children with criteria to distinguish between virtues and evils. Furthermore,
strong penal provisions can suppress instincts of children for a while. However,
it is obvious that punishment could no longer curb their natural tendency as
they become accustomed to physical and social sanctions and not afraid of them.
In addition, penalty cannot provide them with advisable directions to better behaviors.
Accordingly, it could not bring fundamental and meaningful changes in their
life, and but it would deter undesirable actions in a short time. Through
punishments, young people are able to realize only the limitations with regard
to activities that are allowed by parents and mentees, but it is not helpful
for the discernment about wicked and upright conducts.
On the other hand, punitive measures can
have detrimental leverages on psychological development and formation of children’s
mentality. Moreover, there is a high possibility of engraving negative emotions
in their memories in those compulsory methods, which are likely to be
pernicious to the formation of personality. In this regard, unfavorable experiences
and memories made by punishment in childhood are often referred to one of the
main reasons that precipitate violent inclinations inherent in people. As can
be seen from many cases of criminals, those factors used to trigger cruel
behaviors. In other word, punishment has acted as an important component to devastate
and obscure the boundary between right and wrong from the viewpoint of a long
term.
For my part, it is definite that the
effects of penalty will not last for a long time and those are prone to have
demolishing impacts on children. Therefore, I firmly believe that any kinds of
punishment should not be permitted because it would never make considerable transformations.
In the long run, patient guidance and indefatigable affection could create
significant transitions and guidelines that can differentiate proper actions
from improper ones.
Score: 8 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 좋습니다. 다만 글자수가 거의 400 입니다. 글을 너무 길게 쓰시면 시간이 모자를 수도 있고 proofreading할 시간이 없으실 수 있습니다. 또한 reader가 wordy하다고 생각을 할 수 있습니다. 조금 더 summarize를 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 또한 에세이 자체가 agree/disagree 이기 때문에 body내용 자체가 글쓴이의 주장을 reasoning/support이어야합니다. 그렇기 때문에 conclusion에 따로 제 생각에는 ~렇습니다 라고 해주실 필요가 크게 없습니다. 그리고 formal essay에는 1인칭을 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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