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The bar chart indicates figures of minutes of UK British telephone calls, divided into three call types() >> 괄호하고 뭐, 뭐, and 뭐 해주시면 좋겠습니다 over the period of 7 years starting from 1995.
It can be seen that the number of local calls is by far the most popular ways of telephone amongst the types for UK users Britons throughout the period shown. Also, >> also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 while However, the figure for time when people call by means of National and international and Mobiles increased gradually.
In 1995, around 70 billion minutes time were called by local fixed line, while the other fixed line and cellular phone were used by to call about 35 billion minutes and 2 billion minutes respectively. In the year 1999, the number amount of time of local line reached 90 billion minutes on top, and then after that it started to decrease from 90 billion to 70 billion. However, there was a big jump of approximately 35 billion in the number of time when people used mobile phones between 1999 and 2002 >> calls by mobile phones soared by approximately 35 billion minutes between 1999 and 2002.
In conclusion, as use of mobiles rose, that of local fixed line plunged.
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오버뷰 + 디테일 잘 나눠서 잘 쓰셨습니다 비교도 괜찮게 나오긴 했습니다만 몇배, 뭐+뭐=뭐와 비슷하다 식의 직접적인 비교를 보여주는 것이 좋습니다 다만 쓰지 않아도 될 것들이나 품사에 맞는 문장 구성 (while 같은 것들)을 잘 익혀주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 7 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
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