▶ Your Answer :
Children are very easily affected by those around themselves, while struggling
to be members of society. People have different views toward where children should
be taught for this issue, either at home or at schools. In my opinion, schools
should be the place for children to learn those social skills.
On the other hand, some people say that parents are more ideal for
teaching children how to mingle into society, since they are the ones who the children
have spend time with from early ages and know what the children are like.
Therefore, they can have more appropriate ways of teaching the children.
However, this can be a very dangerous thought, as they cannot be ideal role
models all the time. Teachers at schools, professionally trained to educate
children, can do better in making the children to learn social skills. Teachers
know how to deal with children with proper materials and ways.<(discuss both views 이기 때문에 이 문단의 topic sentence은 부모가 더 ideal하다 라고 써주셨기 때문에 focus는 그것에 두고 선생님에 대해서는 다른 문단에 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
In addition, children will naturally be exposed to society, by being
with their peers. In classes, they will learn how to get along with each other
by cooperating with classmates in team projects and competing with each other
in exams, which will help them to adjust in society. Also, in schools, they can
have people to talk to about their worries and concerns, which they cannot
easily talk about with their parents. This counseling can grow communication
skills in children and make them better members of society, as well.
In conclusion, it is understandable that parents can teach children
how to be good members of society in some senses. However, it seems to me that
schools with teachers and friends are even more helpful for children to cultivate
social skills.
Score: 7 Comment: 에세이 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 body에서 내용이 잘 나누어지지 않았다고 생각합니다. discuss both views이기 때문에 너무 한 관점만 focus를 하는 것보다 balance가 맞게 focus를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |