▶ Your Answer : Today, the rate of crime has increased throughout world. Following this, a question has been intriguing many people regarding whether or not increasing youth crime is serious to our society.<(내용이 조금 off topic 합니다. 증가하는 청소년 crime 이 심각한지 아닌지가 아니라 그저 young people committing crimes가 increase하고 있는 것에 대해서 서숭ㄹ을 해주셔야합니다) This essay will discuss reasons and solutions in details.
There are some discussions that the number of crimes committed by young people are increasing.<(repetitive) To begin with, law about youth crime is not organized was not organization. Since young people cannot have a fear about law., they commit crimes easily. For instance, if less than 15 years old children commits a crime, the government cannot punish the child young people. They can merely give just education about crime. Secondly, they (who is they?) have much a lot of pressure about studying or relationships. <(so what?) For example, nowadays, there is a growing news that some students hit other students for their fun. This can cause disastrous thing such as victim's suicide. <(질문과 관련되게 결론이 clear하지 않는 내용입니다)
Therefore, I think that the government and school should make an effort on crime by young people. Firstly, the government should make a law which they can punish to less than 15 years children when they commit a serious crime. Also, since children are exposed to media about crime easily, so the government should restrict media such as movies, television and the internet. Secondly, school and their parents should offer affection and attention to children. To be specific, parents always have to listen to their voice, and school should make various types of counseling facilities and leisure time which can have students avoid pressure and relieve a stress.
Overall, crimes by young people are serious in the cities. Therefore, adults should make an effort for on them.
Score: 6 Comment: Clarity하고 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용 organization도 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 스펠링과 동사에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. incomplete한 문장이나 문구들도 일부 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |