What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
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In contemporary society, some countries have problems of increasing the average weight of people and decreasing the level of their health and fitness. This is because, most of people only focus on losing a weight and do not care about their health. This essay will outline the causes of these problems and present potential solutions. <(살을 빼는데에만 집중을 하는 것이 average weight가 올라가는 것과 반대이기 때문에 내용이 매칭이 안됩니다)
To start with, people these days try to lose their weight for their good appearances. People can be easily exposed to the standard of beauty by the press and many people just want to follow them. Sometimes people are prejudiced by their appearances or get benefits from that. These phenomenon makes people just starve to lose their weight. It is evident that it makes people lose their healthy body radically. Not only that, people these days are too busy to take care of their health.<(elaborate) This is why their immunity decreases.
To start with, people these days try to lose their weight for their good appearances. People can be easily exposed to the standard of beauty by the press and many people just want to follow them. Sometimes people are prejudiced by their appearances or get benefits from that. These phenomenon makes people just starve to lose their weight. It is evident that it makes people lose their healthy body radically. Not only that, people these days are too busy to take care of their health.<(elaborate) This is why their immunity decreases.
To solve these
Overall, due to the misunderstanding of beauty and the lack of time to exercise, people are getting skinny and weak
Score: 6.5
Comment: 질문을 조금 잘못 이해하시는 것 같습니다. 질문의 주제는 왜 average weight가 증가하고 health and fitness는 줄어드는지 물어보고 있습니다. 즉, 살을 빼는 내용이 아닌 왜 전체적으로 살이 더 찌고 있는지에 대해 서술을 해주셨어야합니다. 물론 무리해서 살을 빼는게 health가 decrease 하는데에 한 몫을 하지만 average weight가 increase하는 문제와 반대 내용이기 때문에 주제와는 contradicting하게 들립니다. 조금 더 주제에 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다.