▶ Your Answer : Discipline is crucial to children's growth and development. In the old times, discipline for children was mostly followed by their parents. However, these days, with increasing recognition on the importance of education, many people argue that discipline should become a teacher's responsibility.
In my personal prospective, I agree with the opinion that parents have to be responsible to teach for disciplining for their children.<(이 내용은 introduction에 닽이 와야합니다) First of all, there are several obstacles disturbing teachers to carry out the role of inculcating discipline as well as parents can do, because basically school systems are is mainly programmed to help students achieve higher scores/academic knowledge. Therefore, the school environment tends to pressurize the students without intention, and teachers have to keep a strict attitude towards students in order to fulfill their tasks well. As a result, the children don't<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다. 풀어서 써주시기를 바랍니다) accept the teachers as an existence which they can psychologically rely on. Besides, each teacher has a different way of teaching and advising. <Need better coherence> However, every year, the teachers are newly replaced. This could lead to confusion over the students. <(관점을 서술 해주셔야 하기 때문에 왜 discipline이 선생님들의 임무인지 서술을 해주셨어야합니다.)
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On the other hand, parents can spend incomparably much more time with children than teachers can do. They are a life companion to each other. By living in the same house, parents know best about the children's strength, weakness. This allows the parents to be able to train their kids more effectively. Moreover, there is something indescribable that teachers can't be accessible to in the relationship of families such as a bond of sympathy or special memories. This helps the children comfortably follow the way of parents to discipline without much pressure.
In my point of view, teachers also can affect a significant amount of change to the student's growth and development. Having said that, I believe that there is a limit to their ability to accomplish the task as well as parents can do. Lastly, parents are the best instructor and guider for their children's life pathways. They are not substitutable.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 support 해주셨으나 task를 fully satisfy 해주시지 않았습니다. 두 관점 또한 서수을 해주셔야하기 때문에 왜 discipline이 선생님이 아닌 부모의 responsibility 인지 외에 왜 선생님들의 responsibility인지도 서술을 해주셨어야 합니다. 문법상 spelling/띄어쓰기/formality/word form/collocation/word choice/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |