It is a common belief that most of people want to choose
to be self-employed, rather than working for being by a company. However, I firmly
believe that the self-employment has more disadvantages than the advantages,
because some people, who have their own business, have a risk of failure (이렇게 바꾸면, 비즈니스가 반복되는 것을 피할 수 있죠.) may fail in their businesses.
On the one hand, The reason why some people who operate their own
business is because (이 글은 장단점을 비교하는 것이 아니라, 엄밀히 따지면 원인과 단점의 나열입니다. 장점이 곧 100% 원인이 되는 것은 아니라, 표현에 있어 차이를 두셔야해요.) may have some more of chances to earn a lot of money than the other
group that work for a company. Also, these people may have the better work
life balance, if their businesses are doing good. Therefore, they could have
the better relationships with their family and friends by spending their free
time with their acquaintance. For example, if an entrepreneur have has good
relationships with the many clients, it lead him or her the businessman to have more
benefits (여기에 대해 뭐가 있는지를 구체적으로 서술할 수 있어야합니다.) than worker who work for a company.
Nevertheless, the occupation is not stable,
since income of this job is flexible. The reason for this flexibility is that
people could not expect the market situations. Therefore, they have to work
much longer time in order to earn same amount of money than that the company
employed workers. the self-employed workers should work longer hours than the
regular workers in some cases. For instance, in south South Korea, some
self-employed people, who their businesses are in trouble cannot go on a holiday
throughout the whole year. This is because they have to maintain the
relationships with customers. Also, the relationships always could not lead the
self-employed people to have only benefits. Thus, it would be not stable for
many people.
To sum up, while there are some advantages to be
self-employed. However, it is evident that self-employment has more
disadvantages than advantages. Moreover, the stability of job is the most
importance factor in people’s
work life. (이렇게 작성하면 글을 전혀 전혀 요약하지 못합니다. 원인에 무엇이 있고, 단점에는 무엇이 있는지를 구체적으로 요약해주세요~)
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
내용상으로는 본론 첫 번째 문단의 약간의 구체성 부족을 제외하면 잘 나가고 있다가, 갑자기 결론에서 확 무너져서 아쉽네요. 현재 결론이 가지는 문제점에 대해서 링크를 하나 첨부해드릴테니 꼭 정독해보세요! (해당 글은 문제-해결 유형을 전제로 작성되었지만, 이 글에도 해당됩니다.)
수고하셨습니다 :)
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