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Nowadays, many old buildings are protected by law. Meanwhile, some people insist there is no reason to for protect old buildings and even pay big money for it. However, I think there many are lots of reasons people are invest to for preserve traditional buildings. <(두 개의 다른 문장이 아닌 하나의 문단으로 와햐합니다) <(내용이 조금 off topic하게 들립니다. 오래된 빌딩을 지켜야하는지 아닌지가 아니라 왜 오래된 빌딩을 지키는것이 중요한지 그리고 어떻게 지킬수있는지 에 대해 묻고 있습니다.) First of all, the old buildings are good elements for tourism industry, all around the world. For example, South Korea is famous for traditional Korean style houses called ‘Hanok’. Thus, many tourists and traveler visit and find Hanok villages in South Korea to for satisfy their visual pleasure and study history of foreign countries. <(한국의 한옥마을 탓아 다른 나라들의 역사를 공부한다는 점이 어색하게 들립니다.) <내용 연결이 안됩니다.> We already know, this situation can help to nations profits. According to government statistics from last year, South Korea recorded fourth in the ranking of tourism revenue. Hence, we can understand the importance of traditional buildings. <(두개의 다른 문단이 아닌 하나의 문단으로 structure 해주셔야합니다) Secondly, traditional buildings are important to students. For example, when they study about history, if they have hands on experience and memories about visit of an old building, they can more easily understand more easily and (intrigue them to old story) <(unclear). In other words, if the government does not protect old buildings and just concentrate on building new structures, students can’t<(contraction 는 안쓰시는게 좋습니다.) experience about traditional sites, directly, and that might negatively affect to student’s education. In addition, there is a saying that goes: "a nation that forgets its past has no future." We should develop designs of modern building with observation to old structures. <(하나의 문단으로 정리를 해주셔야합니다. 지금은 structure이 일부 문장들은 같이 오고 일부 문장들은 따로 놀고 있습니다. 문단을 쓰실때는 문장마다 다은 줄에서 시작하는게 아니라 한번의 띄어쓰기로 문장을 연결해주셔야합니다) To protect old structures, the government should periodically checks old buildings and repair a the buildings. And also, sadly, sometimes drunk people and a social misfits damage to old buildings. Therefore, government should prepare unexpected attacks from them. For example, more police officers and security guard on old buildings and strong punishment punished about damaging attack old buildings will cut down on crimes. Additionally, parents and teachers should teaching importance of historical buildings and trying debate about importance of old buildings with them. In conclusion, I regard we have enough reasons to protect traditional structures. And also, although preserving old buildings is hard work, we should put in considerable a lot of effort to activity of protect old building.
Score: 4 Comment: 질문에 대한 답은 fair하다고 생각합니다. 다만 structure에 많이 틀리시고 계십니다. Paragraph에 대해 조금 더 공부를 하시면 글 쓰시는데에 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 내용상 coherence에 조금 더 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어형태/plurality/시제/collocation/informality 에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 쓰시는 표현이 조금 한정적으로 보입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |