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People say that setting costly petrol price heightening the cost of petrol can be a good solution to reduce the large amount of traffic and air-pollution nowadays. I think this suggestion is one of positive methods to solve those problems and I argue the rise has a positive effect on the issues, and firmly agree with this opinion.
Firstly, there are many substitutes for vehicles around our lives such as electronic car. Most people have chosen it as a private transportation in recent years. However, as for the other people who do not want to alter their vehicle, they do not be motivated to change their vehicles, which is operated by petrol and detrimentally influencing detrimentally on air-condition. For this aspect, increasing oil price could affect them to replace their cars to other better substitutes, which do not emit any exhaust harmful gas.>> 글의 중심은 petrol의 가격을 올리는게 교통 체증과 환경에 도움이 되냐/안 되냐의 문제입니다 쓰신 글은 그저 자동차를 많이 탄다는 식으로 중점이 맞춰져 있습니다 또한 주장은 단언적으로 작성이 돼야 하는데 그렇지 않고 이야기 말하 듯 작성됐습니다 (=문장의 성격이 글의 취지와 맞지 않습니다) 이렇게 된다면 일부 오프 토픽이라고 판단됩니다 Furthermore, people might hesitate to drive a car frequently with pricey petrol cost. The massive amount of traffic nowadays have caused the traffic jam and car accidents. It is because most people commonly drive a car many times even when they commute short distance. This phenomenon can be mitigated by setting a pricey oil cost and the traffic condition also will be better with this method. >> Furthermore는 추가적인 주장을 나타내는 말이라 본문 내에 쓰는게 좋지 않습니다 여기서 글쓰기 능력이 판가름 됩니다 traffic 과 air polution을 어떤 범위로 묶고 그걸 서술하는 지를 보죠 저라면 petrol 가격의 상승이 일상과 관련된 사회적인 문제들을 해결한다/못한다 라고 작성하겠습니다 그래서 설명을 작성하고 예시도 작성하면서 daily, environmental issues such as traffic jam and air polution 식으로 작성할 듯 싶네요
Besides Otherwise, the government should promote people to take public transportation. People usually do not prefer to take it because there is a stereotype which that both buses and subway are slower and less convenient comfortable 이 더 낫겠네요 than driving a private cars.>> 설명 부분에서 이렇게 쓸 것이 아니라 어떤 식으로 promote 를 할 지에 관한 설명을 써야 합니다 To change people`s thinking thoughts, the government should enrich the quality and inconvenience of those transportation, and then people will be aroused to use those things and the air pollution and large traffic the congestion will naturally reduce naturally.>> To change~~ 가 나오면서 아직 첫 번째 방법에 대한 얘기가 끝나기 전 또 다른 방법 하나가 나왔네요
In conclusion, increasing the petrol price can be a practical method to encourage people to replace their car to other better means such as electronic vehicles >> 주장으로는 이런 문장이 딱 알맞습니다 and to be hesitated driving to drive a car frequently. Otherwise Therefore, the government also can minimize those problems by promoting public transportation. >> 갑자기 otherwise 하면서 이런 말이 나온단건 다른 주장을 말하는겁니다 안 써도 될 문장을 써서 전개에서 오류가 생겼네요
논리적인 전개 부분에서 오류가 많이 보입니다 일단 전반적으로 본다면 오프토픽이 좀 발생한 글입니다 어휘력도 약했고 문법에서도 오류가 있었습니다 (car=vehicle=automobile=auto, petrol price=price of petrol=cost of petrol= the fuel's value=value of petrol 등 다양하게 표현할 수 있습니다) 우선 Task1 작성하시면서 어휘력 문법 논리전개 같은 부분들 봐주시길 바랍니다 우선은 오프토픽의 점에서 아쉽습니다 논리 전개 부분도요
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |