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Nowadays, there are some people who insist foreign exotic films and TV programmes are good for their culture, but on the other hands, opponents argue motherland films and TV programmes are better for their nations. In my opinion, I believe broadcasting an balanced amount between imported programs and domestic programs is better. Some people say we must cut down on screening of foreign movies in our home country. Because, imported movies might disrupt screening domestic movies, this situation lead to a step backward of the native movie industry. In addition, general trend of imported programs will connected to expel domestic movies from the programs list. Therefore, we must avidly watching and broadcast domestic movies and television tv shows for the domestic broadcasting market. On the contrary, some people argue imported programmes are good for our culture. (Can't stand alone, 콤마로 전 문잔과 함께 연결해서 한문장으로 와야합니다.)>Because, screening foreign programmes is a good way for cultural interchange. (여기서 왜 엔터키를 누르셨는지 잘 모르겠습니다) For example, if the government does not show another country movies and TV tv programmes of other countries, citizen cannot can’t<(전 에세이 첨삭에서 모두 말씀드렸다시피 contraction은 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) understand and respect another country's culture, and also, people can’t comprehend about global trends like North Korea. <(다른 나라의 문화보다는 own country에 대한 문화에 왜 좋은지 서술해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) As mentioned above, I agree with both opinion. So, I insist governments should screening balanced amount of imported programmes and domestic programmes.
First of all, we cannot ignore power of imported programmes advantages. For example, well made imported programmes help to our develop our of broadcast skills and technology. Secondly, if governments and general people don’t care about domestic movies and programmes, native broadcast market cannot develop. Additionally, if many viewers and makers just concentrate on foreign abroad movies and television tv shows, we might lose our own identity. <(하이라이트 된 부분들은 여러 가지의 다른 문장들로 나누는게 아니라 하나의 문단으로 정리해주셔야합니다.) In conclusion, a balance between those programmes is so important. By watching foreign movies and programmes, people could develop on their culture, and at the same time, by seeing the domestic movies and TV programmes, their culture’s own character would be protected.
Score: 5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답은 fair하다고 생각합니다. Composition에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 문단별 transition에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 collocation에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 movies/films같은 경우 앞에 exotic이나 abroad라는 형용사는 잘 쓰지 않습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |