▶ Your Answer :
Throughout history, sports and violence
have been synonymous. Thus, it is a debated topic on banning violent sports
from TV and from international sporting competition is a debated topic. However, instead of banning those activities, I believe that it should be left for people to choose.
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TV programs provide a variety of options
for people to watch. Watching violent sports on TV is one of those options. If
people do not like to watch violence, they can choose not to watch. This violent
program should not be banned totally from the whole TV as there are some parts of
citizens whom still like to watch such a program.
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From watching violent sports, people can
learn sportsmen’s abilities; skills, abilities, fair play, tolerance, peace,
team spirits, equality etc as well as entertainment. Violent sports can bring the
intensive emotional feelings to the player to enable to understand peace, team
spirits, equality and fair play. Since there is the correlation between viewer
enjoyment and the understanding of sportsmanship, it should not be banned from
TV.
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Furthermore, there is a rising voice to ban
violent sports from international sporting competitions. This is could be due to the
reasons for the sportsmen’s health and potential risks. However, since all of those
risks are recognized by players and they still chose that career path,
audiences cannot make the decisions for those players. Since those players
would get a lump sum of money as a compensation for such a game and violent
sports are their career paths, the decision to ban should not be chosen by
people. <(this can be shortened to one sentence)
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Sporting events can be used as a tool to
release the tensions between countries. People can forget about the differences
(of culture, gender, religions) at least during the game periods. With such an
emotion, it can be used to enhance the country’s interactions for the future
trades. Therefore, I believe that whether the sports that are violent to be banned from the international sporting competition should be decided by people.
In conclusion, despite the danger of the
players’ risk and health, the banning from the events and TV cannot be judged
by people.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋은데 organization이 더 필요합니다. 특히, 문단별 transition이 이 없어 보입니다. 그렇기 때문에 연결성/흐름이 중간에 조금 끊깁니다. 또한 Body paragraph 1/2 그리고 body paragraph 3/4를 한 문단으로 정리를 해주셔도 될 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트르 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |