▶ Your Answer :
Doing
voluntary work, which has been conducted by schools, can bring the gaining of practical
experiences for teenagers and the financial savings for companies <(이 부분에 대해서는 body안에 서술해주시지 않았습니다). However,
despite these benefits, companies waste too much resource and the pressures for
teenagers are more problems <(unclear). (Need better transition) Unpaid
work would provide several advantages for teenagers. Firstly, students would be
able to learn the responsibility of work and the time management. Arriving
punctually and working within a team would enable students to learn the
importance of time management and the responsibility. Secondly, voluntary work
encourages students to focus on studies. Voluntary work would provide the
opportunity for students to observe the real business environments since many
young teenagers are spending the time ineffectively during the breaks. This would encourage students to focus on
their studies by dreaming the positions within the company. Therefore, teenagers
would get the most benefits from doing the voluntary work. Despite
teenagers' benefits, companies do not gain anything from hiring teenagers for
free. From the company's perspective, hiring immature teenagers would involve
several lost; of time, costs, and quality of work, and it may also be a risk. Hiring teenagers are
definitely a risk since the majority of employment opportunities seek experienced employees
experiences than unskillful workers. If companies hire the voluntary workers,
companies cannot expect to get any help from them except requesting simple
daily tasks, because children are immature and yet not skillful. Therefore, companies
would not hire teenagers for free. Furthermore, unskillful workers like
teenagers would take a long time conducting training. Companies have to teach
from the basics involving a lot of money and time because children are immature
to understand many business and society. Therefore, there is a risk involving
employing unskilled students regardless with the length of the training,
because the quality of work is unknown. <(내용을 summarize를 조금 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, although unpaid work benefits the
students, it certainly does not help the company.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 일부 silly mistakes에 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현이나 문구를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |