▶ Your Answer :
Some countries' students are participating
in the unpaid work in companies during the break. While the company may lose <(lose what?) from hiring teenager workers, students will benefit from learning the skills to
be a the part of society. It is beneficial for young people to
participate in unpaid work in companies during the break since they can learn
the importance of team work. For example, working in the company will be enable teenagers to learn the skills for the young people, including team work and cooperation skills.
Learning about the cooperation would be the foundation for the future work/careers and school
tasks. The work place and the school are surrounded by a group of people, like
a small society. Being a the part of society, teenagers should learn various
skills such as cooperation, responsibility, and effective communication. All
those skills can be learned done by working in a company for free and will require <(require what?) as a
part of society. Therefore, teenagers can learn the team work by participating in unpaid work. <(team work/cooperation외에 다른 skills에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Introduction에서도 learning skills to be a part of society이라고 해주셨고 질문도 what extent 이기 때문에 하나로는 조금 부족한 느낌이 듭니다) (Need better transition/cohesion) It is not beneficial for companies to hire
teenagers, because they will have a several lost; time, costs and quality of
work. Due to unskillful workers involved with the risk about the quality of work,;
they require the company's trainings. Training may take a longer than skilled
workers since teenagers are immature. This immaturity will require an extra
attention by companies to provide the teenagers suitable working environments,
but the consideration for meeting other employees's working environment as well
as teenagers' may annoy the companies.
Furthermore, when the training is completed, the young workers may
require going back to school, because their vacation is over ended. <(방학동안에 일하는 것이라고 질문이나 주제에 specified되지는 않았습니다) This means that,
all the trainings provided to teenagers has disappeared. Therefore, companies
do not gain anything by hiring teenagers for free.
In conclusion, while students will gain
from voluntary work by learning the team work skills, companies may suffer from
conducting training and providing safe work environment.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. Body 내용은 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 거 다양한 단어나 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Organization에는 내용 흐름 그리고 연결성에 신경을 써주셔야합니다. Organization을 연습하실려면 outline 형식으로 정리를 한번 해보시는 것을 추천합니다. 그리고 내용이나 문장을 연결 할때 punctuation/cohesive device에도 연습을 해보시면 글쓰시는데에 도움이 될 것 같습니다. Clarity에 좋을려면 표현이나 문법에 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. Coherence/organization/clarity가 좋아도 spelling/grammar/sentence structure/ word use/accuracy도 포함이 되기 때문에 어느정도 점수가 올라간다고는 말씀드리기가 어렵습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |