▶ Your Answer :
In some developed countries, people's health condition has become a problems because of the increase in of people's weight and the decline of personal physical fitness level. This problematic phenomenon has been brought by several reasons. I will outline the cause of this problem and address the effective solution.
To begin with, people living in a modern society tend to avoid exercising doing exercise, which leads people to gain weight and weaken their physical strength. The main cause for this problem is their life style. These days, most people have a sedentary job as well as life style because of the development of various technologies which make life convenient. As a result of this, they have gotten has got used to convenience, so they are more likely to avoid exercising as it makes them sweat, which is annoying. Also, it is clear that people's eating habits is harmful for them. Compared with the past, people like more high-calorie foods such as hamburgers, pizza, and coke since those types of foods are more tasty and easier to have. Through this, we can analyse the cause for health problems of people these days.
To solve this problem, people should acknowledge the needs for taking care of their health themselves. Doing sports can be done by people who holding willingness.<(내용 연결이 잘 안되는 문장입니다) Firstly, for alerting people to how dangerous their current life is as well as boosting motivation, the government should conduct campaigns that enable to spread essential information on health. To be specific, coverage is one of the most efficient methods, or holding events is also helpful. This is because it can attract many people, then they could realise how important taking care of their body is. <(문단의 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 Firstly라는 cohesion을 쓰시기에는 solution을 하나만 주셨습니다.)
In conclusion, it is a well-known trend that people has gained weight due to their static life style and meals they have. The personal health condition has become one of problems in modern society. Thus, some solutions such as campaign or events should be implemented taken by the government. <(Can improve)
Score: 6 Comment: Measures을 물어보는 만큼 하나 이상의 solution을 주시면 좋습니다. 질문데 대한 답은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시고 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 spelling에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 에세이를 쓰신 후 꼭 proofreading을 하셔서 spelling mistakes를 최대한 줄이시는게 좋습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
|