Technology has made our children less creative than in the past
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this argument?
It is a common belief that development of
technology has made our children more creative than in the past. (이런데에서 엔터치지 않습니다. 엔터는 문단이 구분되는 경우에 한해서 두 번 눌러주시고, 나머지는 싹 스페이스로만 이어주시면 돼요. 이것도 점수에 들어가는 사항이니까 주의해주시고, 저 밑의 문단들도 다 수정해주세요!)
However, I firmly believe that children have
less opportunities to become the a creative human than before. This is because
they can acquire the creative informations with the simple and various ways.
To
begin with, technology has led children to think in a passive way lead to the passive thinking to children. There are the
massive amounts of video informations on inforamations in the Internet. Therefore, children can
get these with various medias such as computers or tablet PCs. They are more
interested in these forms of datas than books, since they are it is more visible and
active than texts.
For
example, in general books stimulate to children creative imaginations. However,
kids want to accept video datas, because through the development of technology
they can gain easier access to this type of sources than texts.
On
the top of that children (동의어 진짜 많은 표현이니까 잘 활용해주세요!) do not want to do gain 등 any direct experiences, like about
nature, despite the fact that they can experience that they can do experience about that. They learn about that
through the other person’s video records. In addition, so many people just
prefer to experience with these indirect ways.
For
instance, people can get the information about the North and South pole,
although they actually do not go there. Moreover, children can know about the
climate of those places or animal’s behavior. For kids to learn about some of
these things the technology is more helpful than the others such as pictures or
articles. (그래서 이 모든 내용이 창의성과 어떻게 연관되는지를 작성할 수 있어야합니다.)
To
sum up, development of technology has made our children think in a passive way lead to have passive mind or thinking to our
children and the kids do not gradually want to do direct experiences.
For these
reasons, technology led children to become an uncreative person lead to becoming uncreative person to our children.
총평: (6/5/5/5) 5.5
일단 가장 중요한 문법 어휘가 아직은 미흡한 편입니다. 6점대 이상을 안정적으로 확보하셔야하는 상황이면, 문법/어휘를 다지는 게 핵심이 되는만큼, 라이팅 공부와는 별개로 꾸준히 문법과 어휘를 연습해주세요. 이 친구들은 라이팅 외 나머지 세 영역에도 많은 영향을 끼치는만큼 반드시 일정 궤도까지 끌어올려야합니다.
또한 본론 두 번째 문단의 경우 핵심 표현인 '창의성' 과의 연결고리가 들어있지 않으므로 이에 대한 수정도 필요하고요.
문단 구분은 꼭 정확하게 해주세요! 엔터키를 한 번만 치는 경우는 절대 없습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
비밀번호는 0000입니다!