Many women are in the workforce today, but only a few are in senior positions. What causes this phenomenon?
Suggest possible solutions that would resolve this issue.
it It is true that numerous positions (이거랑 senior position 은 전혀 다릅니다. 패러프레이징하다가 의미가 달라지지 않도록 주의해주세요~) are more open to men than women although female candidates are certainly superior to male candidates in the workforce. (여기의 경우도, 여성 직원이 남성 직원보다 우월하다는 점은 논점과 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 논제에 있는 '현시대에는 많은 여성들이 일을 하지만' 이라는 표현을 정확하 밝혀주세요!) While this is a serious problem, it can be solved by educating offspring and focibly allocating the post to women.
The main cause of this issue is that misconception in gender roles has widely been spread over nations. In short, people think men are is stronger than women. Thus these misconceptions lead to special rules that restrict woment to get promoted in high positions. Additionaly, our nation's education system has still instilled a misconception that men can always work better than women, into children since schools were founded, which means men are always working better than women. For instance, most teachers took discrimintation against female students, then forced inflexible gender role to them. When students become adults, they also instruct their own offsprings in this same way.
However, there are solutions to this problem. By properly re educationg offsprings at primary school, incorrect gender role can be modified. This is because it is considerably effective to for primary students to educate primary students in a correct way. Additionaly, allocating additional post for females can fix gender discrimination factors. This is due Due to the fact that the essence of the problem is the shortage of female positions in senior level. I personally believe that widening senior posts need to be open to women in every workplaces.
To sum up, it is clear that managerial positions are nearly dominated by males, and women have still suffered from gender discrimination in contemporary society. Nevertheless, this issue can be fully resolved by implementing correct education policy and allocting more senior positions to women.
총평: (7/6/6/6) 6.5
6.5이긴 하나 task 1에서 까이는 걸 생각했을 때에는 task 2에서 더 벌어가면 좋습니다. 그리고 이를 위해서는 반드시 철자 문제가 해결될 수 있어야 하고요. 지금은 6.5가 불안불안하지만, 철자만 최소한으로 잡아도 충분히 안정적인 6.5와 그 이상을 확보하실 수 있을 겁니다. 고로 오타 줄이는데에 온 신경을 쏟아주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)