Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Write at least 250 words.
Some people think that children these days
have too much freedom. I think it is because compared to the children in the past, kids nowadays not
only do not hesitate to express their needs but also act freely without being concerned about worrying
other people. However, I firmly believe that children have less freedom than those (이런 식으로 대체해주시면 됩니다.) the children in the past because they have to start study earlier and parents of modern society have fewer children.
To begin with, Children children these days are
expected to start learning earlier than children in the past. It is because people we
have fewer jobs due to mechanization, so competitions are much more severe. For this
reason, children not only start learning in their early age but also have to
study extremely hard. According to a research released by Korea University, it shows that the average age which children begin their education preceded by 3 years
in the last 20 years. (이런 연구를 통한 숫자 넣기는 사실 진짜 잘 쓰지 않는 이상 거의 의미가 없다고 보셔도 무방합니다.)
On top of that, parents having less child makes children have less freedom. Parents from many developed countries have fewer babies than ever before. They prefer to have one or two babies and concentrate on them by investing more money on education. Parents from 40 years ago, generally had more than 3 children and were not as enthusiastic in educating their children as now. (여기까지의 문단의 큰 틀은 잘 잡아주셨는데, 그 이후 세부 설명이 부족합니다. 안그래도 지금 글자수를 간신히 넘겼으니까 다음에는 여기에 살을 붙일 수 있도록 연습해보세요~)
To sum up, severe competition in job seeking and changes in family composition made children less free than before. Nevertheless, because children these days are very versatile and smart, it is hard to say these changes are bad.
글자수 251. 시간 50분 소요. task 2 첫 작성입니다.. 직접 해보니 많이 어렵네요.. 감사합니다!!!^^
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5 당연히 첫 술에 배부를 수는 없고, 이 점을 고려했을 때 처음 치고는 이정도면 잘 해주신 겁니다. 대신 '시간 단축' '질적/양적 보완' 에 대해서는 조금 주의해주세요! 특히 내용은 이정도로만 유지한다고 하더라도, 시간은 반드시 줄일 수 있어야 합니다. 저는 점수를 매길 때 시간은 따로 고려 안 하지만, 시간이 오버되었을 경우 제가 드린 점수에서 기본적으로 까고 보셔야 해요. 수고하셨습니다 :)