▶ Your Answer :
It is one of the most challenging problems
in this modern society that if visitors should observe practices in visiting
countries. Some people think visitors should follow them. However, I do not
agree with it. In this essay, I will examine why many people think visitors
should follow other countries’ customs and tradition, then explain why I
oppose it.
People who argue that visitors should
observe the host countries’ social rules think that visitors could ruin
their society if they do not follow the rules. Especially, young people could accept visitors' behaviors thoughtlessly. For example, some native tribes
in Australia had accepted many visitors, then young people in the tribes wanted
to leave their lands because they admired visitor’s different behaviors. <(다른 사람의 의견 보다는 글쓴이의 주장을 써주셔야합니다. 그렇기 때문에 이 문단에서는 글쓴이의 주장이나 내용을 반박하는 글이 보이면 좋습니다/ Needs to develop more) (Need better transition/coherence) To some extent, I could say that visitors
should respect the visiting countries' culture. However, visitors also should
be respected by natives.
Visitors’ practices are also important. Many people have their own sincere beliefs to keep for their lives. For example, it is hard to force female christian tourists
in an Arabic country to wear a hijab. Also, keeping their customs and tradition is on native people ??? since visitors spend time in the country only for a while. In this globalized world, it is not possible not to be affected by other cultures. Therefore, native people should make an effort to keep their cultural values from visitors.
To sum up, even though visitors could
affect the host countries’ society negatively when they do not follow their
social practices, visitors also have a right to be respected by native people. Their customs and traditions are also important as much as host countries'. In addition, to keep traditional value is on people who follow the tradition, not on visitors
who will not stay in the country for their whole lives.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 질문에 대한 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 연속적으로 To라는 단어로 문단을 시작하는 것을 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 또한 1인칭을 피해서 써주시면 좋습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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