▶ Your Answer :
In this global era, people can not only travel to the other side of
the world, but also easily buy products imported from all over the world. There
are some people insisting that countries will be more and more similar, through
these phenomena, and others argue differently. <(질문에 대한 글쓴이의 의견을 thesis statement으로 써주시면 좋습니다.)
On the one hand, it is argued negatively that countries are becoming
similar through world trade. By having the imported products on the shelves in
stores, there will be no uniqueness country by country. Especially, since
youngsters are vulnerable to something different and new, they are likely to
only like the imported goods, such as iPhones or imported snacks, not
appreciating their own countries’ products and culture. Then, the tradition and
own culture will be easily gone, in the future.
On the other hand, I strongly suppose that being able to buy the same
products has good advantages. First of all, having same products does not
necessarily mean losing our own products. Rather, it would promote a healthy
competition, for example a modified taste of Korean food to compete with pizzas
and burgers, which is still a traditional Korean traditional food and culture. Secondly,
through the same products, people from the world can understand each other
better, by knowing and talking about the products themselves and but also sharing
thoughts and opinions further. Lastly, people can take advantage of having same
products. In order to meet this global trend, international companies made
functions to better connect the products all over the world, such as imessages
which allows iPhone users exchange messages for free. <(공짜로 메세지를 보낼 수 있는 것과 connecting products과 어떤 관련이 있나요?)
Although it can be dangerous to have the same products available in
the world with the danger of losing the countries’ identities, people can be
wish consumers to enjoy a variety of products and take advantages of them with
the appropriate attitudes, in this global world.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 질문이 글쓴이의 주장을 묻고 있기 때문에 에세이 내용을 주로 글쓴이의 주장으로 채워 주시는게 좋습니다. 글쓴이의 주장과 반대 주장을 서술해주실려면 그 내용을 반박해주시는 글을 써주시면 됩니다. 위 내용을 보면은 글쓴이는 다른 문단에 반박을 해주셨습니다. 오히려 그 내용은 같은 문단에 반박을 해주시고 그 외에 다른 이유들을 in addition을 다른 문단에 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 1인칭을 최대한 피해주시는데 좋습니다. 글 정리를 통해서 더 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있다고 생각합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |