▶ Your Answer :
These days, economic progress is the most concern to many developed countries. The government makes an efforts to improve their economic situation. Some, however, insist that other problems exist to be progressed and these are equally important for a country. I will discuss pros and cons about those arguments in this essay.<(pros and cons에 대해 서술을 해주시지 않았고 두 관점에 대해서 서술을 해주셨기 때문에 마지막 문장은 misleading하게 들립니다)
First of all, economy is the most fundamental source of a country. Economic progress is needed to develop citizens’ living standards and stability. If the gap between the poor and the wealthy increases, it will cause society unrest and dissatisfaction. Disparity of society stimulates serious problems such as redundancy or riots. Moreover, if the government cannot have adequate funds to run a welfare system, it deteriorates society’s anxiety. Most governments want to protect their citizens. Thus, it is plausible that many governments think that economic progress is their most important aim.
On the other hand, there are is equally important concerns regarding the is environmental problem. This is because, recently, air pollution in many countries has is hugely increased. Destroyed environment makes people evacuate their home town, at last. Furthermore, polluted air or water causes people several infectious diseases. For example, a recent research from China, many Chinese people have abandoned their home town due to polluted water in the last few decades. Deserted area cannot serve food or plants to citizens. Therefore, governments should notice environmental problems equally with economic problem. <(other types of progresses인 만큼 2개 이상을 서술해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)
To conclude, it is obvious that economic progress is an important issue for many countries in the world. However, environmental progress should be mainly treated by governments.<(environmental progress가 더 중요하다는 건가요? ) It is not only for migration of citizens, but also for viability of human-beings.
Score: 6.5 Comment: Introduction의 마지막 문장이 misleading하게 들립니다. 수정 해주시기를 바랍니다. 전체적으로 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 coherence를 강화시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes가 주로 많습니다. 글을 쓰신 후 1~2번 proofreading을 해주시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |