▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, academic education has become a one of the most
important purpose goals in school subjects. Some people argue that sports classes are is
also necessary for students, while others do not agree with that sports classes
play vital roles in school. This essay will compare both views of this issue.
To begin with, there are some people arguing that having
sports classes has have no good for students. Since academic studies are becoming
too so important to study for next stages such as university, more and more
students only focus on academic subjects, while the subjects for sports lose
its their popularity. Moreover, most of the schools cannot offer opportunities to
experience various sports to the students. This is because, a lot of parents do
not allow for school to provide sports classes. With this trend, many students
are suffering from physical disease such as obesity. 문단의 중심내용이 불분명합니다. 스포츠가 불필요하고 academic subject에 집중해야 한다고 보는 입장을 제시하는 문단이라면 어떤 점에서 불필요하다고 보는지, 어떤 점에서 academic subject에 더 초점을 둬야 하는지를 중점적으로 설명해주어야 해요. 마지막 부분에 나오는 '학생들이 스포츠수업을 못받아서 비만에 시달린다'와 같은 내용은 스포츠수업이 필요하다고 보는 입장에 부합하는 내용이기 때문에 현재 문단에 어울리지 않아요.
On the other hand, some people argue that a lot of young
people have are having health problems because fewer chances the students have few chances to take part in get for
sports activities. To be specific, they are not encouraged to play sports not
only from parents but also from schools. 학생들이 스포츠하는 것을 격려받지 못한다는 내용에서 갑자기 '그렇기 때문에 스포츠를 하면 건강해진다'라고 연결하는 것은 어색해요. 앞 부분 내용을 명확한 주장으로 제시할 수 있도록 수정해주세요. 스포츠수업도 여전히 중요하고 계속되어야 한다고 보는 입장이므로 '왜' 스포츠수업이 중요하고 academic subjects와 병행되어야 하는지에 초점을 둔 주장이 필요해요. For this, even though they can miss
some of the academic subjects, they will be healthier when they play sports in
schools. Further, it has been reported in a survey that with some sports classes, the surveyed students showed the higher achievement at their studies because they were are able to
relieve their stress while playing sports.
In
conclusion, although playing sports in school seems not necessary from some
perspective, it can actually help the students to make the better results in
studies.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 4 limited user
문제 내용이 두 관점을 단순히 정리하라고 요구했는지, 나의 입장도 함께 제시하라고 요구했는지 확인이 필요할 것 같아요. 나의 입장을 함께 제시해야 한다면 본론에서도 입장을 충분히 드러내주는 것이 필요해요. 각 본론에서 어떤 입장에 대해 서술하는 것인지가 애매한 부분들이 조금씩 있는 것이 아쉬웠어요. 앞뒤 내용 흐름이 자연스럽게 연결될 수 있도록 단계적인 내용 구성에 신경쓰면서 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수일치, 수량표현 관련한 문법오류도 함께 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammatical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |