People have divided opinions on whether or not students who attend high schools should be involved in a variety of unpaid community services, including working for a charity, developing the neighbourhood or helping younger children to learn sports. Regarding this, some educational experts have insisted that these programmes are necessary for youngsters to not only to improve their own capabilities and but also to contribute to our friendly society. I agree with the view above to great a extent and I will further outline my perspective regarding this issue.
(Need better coherence)
When it comes to students’ personal benefits, they will be given opportunities to develop social skills and improve capabilities that they initially have. On the personal level, during my high school years, l had taken part in several voluntary services as an obligatory school programme. Most of them<(who or what is them?) required volunteers to cooperate with one another, thereby developing my social skills. Furthermore, I had tried to exploit my skills to help people, which was considerably helpful to the advancement of my ability <(what ability? sounds broad). If it had not been for those experiences, I would not have had better capabilities. <(too personal 하게 들립니다. 조금 더 general하게 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In terms of society, we can anticipate a higher participation rate of social-minded activities. This is because, in general, citizens who had done unpaid community services during high school are more likely to participate in these activities later. In fact, research conducted by the Minister of Education of South Korea have revealed that people who were encouraged to join community programmes by their schools tend to have much more concerns about society compared to others. In other words, these education stimulate student’s concerns and this in turn result in increased citizens engaged in social-minded service
Indeed, there is something to be for (???) forcing students to experience unpaid community service in terms of both individuals and society. Therefore, I maintain that the compulsory community service education should be adopted by high schools.
Score: 6
Comment: Body 내용과 에세이 주제와 연결성을 강화시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 지금으로서는 body 내용은 주제가 다른 방향으로 가는 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 세 번째 문단은 그저 미래에는 이럴 수 있다 라고 들립니다. 오히려 더 clear 하게 봉사활동은 mandatory하게 시키면 사회에선 이런 장점이 있다 라고 해주시면 연결성이 좋고, 주제가 헷갈리지 않고, 조금 더 전달하고자 하는 내용이 clear 할 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.