▶ Your Answer :
It is true that the a number of people
with obesity has been on the rise. In particular, society has been concerned with obesity in children has been
concerned from society. This essay will further discuss the causes and effects of the
problem from children obesity.
It is known that many children in
the world usually are exposed to an environment that steer them to eat children found
eating more fast food. This is because children are always busy for
participating in many activities in school. For example, Korean students are quite
busy with in their life that as through they do not have no enough time to enjoy their meals. Some
of them even do not have no time to take a seat to eat meal with affordable time. This example shows that
children have unhealthy eating habits. Therefore, it is apparent that the health
status of children would be influenced in a negative way thanks to obesity. <(비만 때문에 아이들의 건강이 나쁘게 영향을 받는다 가 아닌 결론을 fast food을 많이 먹고 너무 빠르게 먹거나 안좋은 식습관으로 비만이 되는 아이들이 많다 라고 해주셨어야합니다) Furthermore
they are likely to suffer from adult diseases like diabetes.
It is well-known that an unbalanced and
unhealthy eating habit in the young people. have a negative effect in their
health and lives. They are not taking control of on their eating habits and they
are not manage themselves. Thus, they shown symptoms that continuous health-related problem <(?? 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다).
In addition, they are greatly influenced by their physical inactivity and lack
in sociality <(??). <내용 연결이 안됩니다> According to a reported by the Education Ministry, a large number of
overweight children are suffering from bullying among their peers compared to non-obese
children. As this shows, that child obesity is a serious individual and social
problems. Namely, it is a multifacted <(??) problems. <(비만율 증가의 결과가 clear하지 않습니다. 조금 더 clarify 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
In conclusion, the number of overweight
children is steadily rising. The primary cause of child obesity is lack of exercise and bad eating habit. <Need coherence> It is clear that children have difficulty
interacting with other people moreover and destroy their health conditions are deteriorating.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Body 내용을 보면 어느 부분이 cause이고 effect인지 헷갈리게 들립니다. 글쓴이는 cause 1 effect 1, cause 2 effect 2로 나눠서 문단을 서술해주신 것 같습니다. 하지만 문단안에서는 이것이 clear하지 않습니다. 표현이나 coherence가 잘 안되어 있어서 그런 것 같습니다. 오히려 cause에 대해 한 문단 effects에 대해 한문단으로 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 Body 문단을 시작하는 문장이 같은 cohesion입니다. 같은 cohesion보다는 다른 표현을 쓰시는 것은 추천합니다. 문법상 이해가 잘 안되는 표현들이 있습니다. 정확한 단어를 쓰시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |