▶ Your Answer : In terms of growing Internet books spreading at an alarming rate late, there is a growing debate over whether the people entirely read most books online by internet rather than use paper ones as a result, <온라인으로 책을 더 많이 있는데 인쇄 책이 온라인 책을 대체한다 라고 하시면 논리가 어색해집낟> the paperbacks will be able to substitute almost all to online ones. <(마지막 문장은 run-on sentence 이며 thesis statement가 없어 보이는 introduction입니다.) It seems positive that people prefer the e-books to the printed books. First of all, thanks to the development of the Internet technology, we live more conveniently now than we've<(formal essay에는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) ever been before. Using the e-books is seems to be best way to save time time-saving and comfortable <(comfortable what?). This is because, with just a few clicks, we can connect our own online-bookshelf anywhere and any time. Also, we can refer to the many other previous readers' reviews about books on the website through our electronic devices such as an laptop, smart-phone, and tablet PC. And then we can read the diverse books without bringing the heavy paperback in our backpacks. In addition, since the e-books are cost-saving, we do not need go out to read or buy the books, so we can save on our transportation fees all of us. By sharing the compatible e-books with each other with our friends or families, we can avoid from additional spending exclude meeting them in person. Moreover, we can share, memorise and search the various useful information while reading books with people worldwide whatever we want. Like this, e-books help us have having cosmopolitan outlooks and broaden our horizons. As above, the paper books are not only uncomfortable but also old-fashioned in It society. <(내용 정리가 안되어있으며 too wordy합니다. 즉, 문단이 너무 깁니다. 내용을 조금 더 간략하게 summarize해주시는것을 추천합니다)
(Need better transition) Yet, it is sad that we no longer value paperbacks as highly as we used to. It probably reflects the way in which many societies are changing very fast. In many ways, I think using outdated ones speed up the environmental degradation like reckless deforestation. In environmental ways, use of electronic books can eradicate exorbitant papers consuming consumption and play an key role in solving an environmental problems like global warming. For these reasons mentioned above, I would argue that a number of benefits of e-books provides us a blue print into the better standard of living.
Score: 4.5 Comment: Organization이 잘 안되어있으며 질문을 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 질문은 e-book이 printed books보다 더 좋은게 아니라 e-books가 printed books를 언젠가는 replace할것인지에 대해 묻고 있습니다. 물론 글쓴이가 쓰신 장점들로 이 질문을 agree한다는 답을 supporting할수 있습니다. 다만 central한 subtopic들이 clear하지 않으며 글 정리가 잘 안되어있어서 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 조금 unclear 합니다. 그 외에는 전체적으로 coherence/글정리에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |