▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, some people insist that we are too much concentrate too much on money and possessions. On the other hand, some defenders argue that desire of money and possessions have more a lot of the The positive sides more than The negative sides. <(Need a thesis statement) (Need better transition) In fact, money and possessions are the is basis of the capitalism. So our desire about materialistic things is a natural part in economical society. And also, which that desire helps us to develop our convenience, and money is the most powerful motivator than any others things. So this motivates people to that we want to earn much money to help us to achieve a goal make quickly and sincerely. In addition, briskly activity of work for cash can induce virtual inventions about new technology and products, and even help art. Nevertheless, I regard that too much competition causes as occur countless negative effects today in nowdays. First of all, too much investing in about commercial activities causes occur get a lot of stress. <(why?) Besides, those who excessively focus on the money people tend to find it hard to can’t easily solve their stress for the lack of time. Clearly, which that stress is sometimes connected to a variety of physical problem. <내용 연결이 잘 안됩니다> Additionally, as so often in news programmes, some people decide on suicide due to high competitions with college admissions and getting a job causing great stress and frustration while compete type of The university entrance and the job by reason of extremely stress and frustration. <(문단의 clarity가 조금떨어집니다) (reasons mentioned above는 모든 body 내용이 포함이 될수도 있습니다. 즉, 돈과 property가 important role가 있다 도 포함이 됩니다.)>For the reasons mentioned above, I believe that we are now faced with a serious problem with too much concentration on cash and property. If this trend will continue, our society will fall into a more serious disaster. <(can improve)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 전체적인 clarity가 떨어집니다. 문법상 문장구조/표현/전치사/단어형태에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 주로 문법에 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
|