▶ Your Answer :Traffic jams are all-around-globe's
worldwide problems. Despite many alternative solutions, I believe that the construction
of more lines for the train and subway lines will reduce the traffic jams in
the long term. This essay will discuss about this approach and discuss about
wider roads impact on traffic congestions before reaching a reasonable
conclusion.
<(오히려 두개의 관점을 먼저 제시 해주시고 그에 대한 글슨이의 의견을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
The More subway and train lines can bring
several advantages. The expansion of subway and train lines could enable people
to travel directly to their destination within a short time for the short travelling times. Also,
since more lines are introduced, it will provide many alternative routes to
people to plan their journey. <(little irrelecant/ 일반적인 단점 보다는 traffic congestion을 어떻게 reduce하는지 서술을 해주셔야합니다)
In contrast, some people believe that wider
roads will reduce the a traffic congestion issue. If there are is wider roads available
to travel, it can enable people to drive smoothly without any traffic jams.
<(why would there be no traffic jams? 예를 들어 동시간대에 차가 더 많이 허용이 되기 때문에 traffic jam이 줄어든다 라고 해주실 수 있습니다) People can reach their destination comfortably by having no traffic jams on the
roads.
However, the introduction of wider roads cannot travel by a public transportation <(unclear), because there are limited spaces available in the world. Even though the country established the wider roads, the number of lanes for the public transport can be limited.<(why?) Therefore, it may encourage people
to drive more and that can be resulting in traffic congestions. On the other
hand, the train and subway lines can reduce the vehicle lanes. <Need better coherence> Since the construction of train and subway lines will encourage more passengers, I believe it will reduce the traffic jams.
In conclusion, the traffic congestions are
a problem in all around the world. The wider roads could encourage more of
private vehicle users because the wider roads means more comfortable driving.
However, the installation of subway and train lines can discourage vehicle
drivers by providing more alternative routes at a faster speed. Therefore, this
method would be more the appropriate to reduce the traffic congestions. <(좋은 내용이라고 생각합니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 두 번째 문단에서는 일반적인 장점이 아닌 정부가 왜 subway and train lines를 지어서 traffic congestion을 reduce해야하는지 도는 어떻게 reduct 할 수 있는지를 서술 해주셨어야합니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우는 elaboration이 더 필요합니다. topic sentence와 두 번째 문장은 같은 말을 하고 있기 때문에 어떻게 wider roads가 traffic congestion을 reduce 하는지 말해주지 않습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |