Everyone should stay in school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, numerous young people think that there is no obligation to stay in school till (until 로 써주시면 됩니다.) 18. Some consider they can learn real-life outside of school. While, while (기존 문장은 비문입니다.) others insist people have to stay and finish school. I totally (여기에 단어 하나가 빠졌네요!) with the latter idea, since education from school is essential to a human being.
To begin with, I agree with the statement that everyone should enter school and finish their academic journey until graduation. (이건 앞에서 했던 말이고, 본론에서는 그냥 바로 이유로 들어가시면 됩니다.) Education plays a vital role in one’s life, and a majority of people treats the school as a small size of the real society since there is a lot in common. One can learn not only academic subjects but also the real world. They can learn an interpersonal skill, by hanging out with friends in the classroom. Moreover, these days in many schools, they put a weight on the education of humanism as well as academical theory.
On top of that, it is necessary to learn the basic knowledge before going out to real society. To survive in this harsh modern society, this knowledge is essential. For instance, they should know the history of own country, basic science, and so many other things. To learn basic academical notions, schools offer a well-organized curriculum for each step of grades. Moreover, teenagers are still immature to be out of big organization such as school. As being in the school, one can learn and practise the skills before they become real members of society. (이 친구는 본론1에 더 어울리는 내용입니다.)
To sum up, even though some people consider finishing school is no longer important. (여기도 이 자체로는 비문이죠. 수정 후 댓글로 검사 받으세요!) However, I firmly believe an educational institute is a huge part in one’s life so that everyone should finish their curriculum, which can help them being a responsible adult in the future.
제가 쓰면서도 뭔가 잘못 써지고 있다는 느낌을 굉장히 받았는데;;
이 문제가 초점이 학교의 중요성인지 아니면 .. 졸업의 중요성... 헷갈리고 멘붕와서
..좀..슬픈 글이랍니다.. ...냉정한 피드백 기다리겠슴돠 :l ㅠ
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
아니요! 내용 자체에는 7점 선에서 큰 문제는 없습니다. 대신 본론2의 후반부에서 볼 수 있듯이 그 내용을 일관적으로 배열하는데에서는 아쉬움이 있었고요. (참고로 논제는 학교의 중요성 쪽으로 해석하시면 됩니다.)
이번 글도 불완전한 문장이 두 개가 있었는데, 이런 문제가 나지 않도록 특별히 주의해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)