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The globalization established the new world of work. As a result, at school, some of students >> some of, most of 등 of가 붙으면 한정적인 말을 만듭니다 여기선 학생들 전체를 말하기 때문에 적절하지 않습니다 learn more practical skills whereas other children study more on academic materials. I my belief believe that schools need to open both options to students to provide various ways to attain their goals.
The youth at the age of 11 or 13 has a tremendous potential of being a great person in the future. However, they are not matured enough to clearly identify clearly what they want to become or what is their aptitudes. Thus, by experiencing and learning at schools, children can broaden their perspectives on their job opportunities with a global scale.
Moreover, the benefit of balanced teaching system is heightens the personal and mental developments. Having been educated and trained at your age is significant. This is simply because characteristics of her or him that had been concreted during early childhood effect his or her self-growth. A person can often be often distinguished by what they learned. For instance, a person who studied engineering often has a more passive way of thinking than those with an economic studying background.
In addition, to illustrate this point, Australia is chosen for the best example beside European countries. In Australia, at a grade of 10 has two choices. On the one hand>> on the other hand 혹은 on one hand 입니다, students can proceed their study while the others can graduate and start working. This education system enables the youth with wide opportunities with their future career. Not only that, those who wants to stop studying after making a decision of continuation of learning can drop out and be vice versa. Such a system leads the children to have less stress, resulting freedom in their life.
To conclude, I firmly believe that a mixed education system, which contains both practical and academical courses, outweighs the syllabus of teaching one course.
새로운 전개 방식을 시도해봤습니다.. 요전에 좀 높은 밴드 에세이들 보면서 봐온 거라... 두가지 이유를 들고, 매인 example을 따로 넣어서 한 패라그라프를 만드는 식의.. ㅎㅎ
293자고, 체크 포함해서 손글씨로 59분33초 걸렸습니다!. 매끄러운 표현으로 바꾸고 싶은 곳이 몇군대 있었지만.. 체크 시간이 너무 모자른것 같아 기본적인 실수만 고쳐봤습니다. ㅠㅠ ------------ 이 구조도 괜찮네요 구조가 어떻든 논리와 자기 주장이 전달된다면 좋은 구조일테니까요~
각 본론에 주장과 이유를 제시했고 예시까지 종합적으로 해주셔서 좋았습니다
갈수록 발전하신다는 느낌이 드네요~
Task Achievement - 8
Coherence and Cohesion - 8
Lexical Resource - 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
7.0 예상합니다 |