▶ Your Answer :
Recently, many full-time students are spending an increasing amount of time on part-time jobs. In this regard, some critics are concerned that this change may pose harmful effects to their studying; however, I believe that this type of jobs will bring about more benefits to them.
According to the opponents of working and studying at the same time, the students may lose a lot of time to be immersed in to their learning because they have to allocate their time for working. Furthermore, as studentswith having part-time jobs usually need to adapt themselves to new environments at the workplace, they also lose their concentration on learning at schools, which would lead to change in studying attitudes. It will be shown as a form of as result of lower performance at school. However, this type of experience seems more valuable, for it cannot be be not obtained from school curricula. <(opponents의 의견 보다 글쓴이의 의견/반박이 더 많으면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Firstly, students working and studying simultaneously are able to manage their own time wisely. For instance, as they need to work before going to schoolsor after school, they have to finish their homework or other tasks on time.<(이 내용은 마치 알바를 하지않고 학교를 다니면 과제를 제시간에 안해도 된다고 들리기도 합니다) From this practice, the students can allocate their time properly, and also use the given time more efficiently and effectively. Hence, their concentration on learning will gradually be improved than before. This is one of the most important social skills that will be conducive to their future social lives.
(Firstly 라고 전 문단을 시작해주셨으면 다음으로는 Secondly가 오는게 맞습니다)>In addition, the students are able to acquire problem-solving skills. This is because through part-time works, they will be faced with variousunexpected various challenges.<내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> In fact, those who persistently live under parental care or protection are likely to be more reliant on their parents, but if they can become independent and get into the workforce, they can learn varying experience that will be required for their future social environment through different social difficulties, which will offer them opportunities of having a sense of confidence and bravery. As a result of this, when they are faced with any stumbling blocks, they can surely cope and deal with them very wisely.
In conclusion, it is possible for students to lose concentration or interest in their learning by working and studying simultaneously can be possible for students to lose concentration or interest on their learning; however, I regard this experience can serve as extra knowledge to what they learn at school.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 정리를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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