The given bar chart compares how much people who are 16 to 24 years old in England spent their spare time on healthy activities by gender. It is immediately clear that
There is a remarkable gap between the percentages of men and women who prefer not to participate in sport in their free time. Nearly a half of young women devoted no time at all to active leisure pursuits while this applies to only approximately a quarter of young men. As for very active young people, there is a similar gap. The figure for young women investing 7 hours or over a week in sport is only 5 percent, which is four times as less as young men.
On the other hand, males and females people who dedicated between 1 and 3 hours per week account for the same proportion, just over a fifth. (less than 1 hour, between 3-5 hours, between 5~7 hours에 대한 정보도 전달해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, the fact that only two-fifths of young women spend an hour or more a week on sports, compared to about two-thirds of young men raises questions about how fit young women are in comparison to young men. <(unnecessary information. 새로운 topic 보다는 전달해주신 정보 전체를 concluding 해주시거나 아니면 정보를 전달해주시기 전에 overall information을 주시면 됩니다. )
Score: 6
Comment: Summarize를 더 써주시고 비교를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 운동하는 시간이 길어질수록 여성은 남성보다 참여도가 낮아 집니다. 그 외에는 표현과 시제에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다.