▶ Your Answer : As we move into the twenty first century, the issues surrounding the public health have fueled a controversy. >> Nowadays, an issue on constructing sports facilities to develop populace's fitness stands out. This essay will take a social perspective to discuss that it is advisable to place some people have different opinions on the health, but equal importance should exist in both increasing sports facilities and alternative measures for the public health.>> 이런 의견이 있지만 저런 의견도 있다 식으로 풀어가는게 좋습니다
To begin with, In such a contemporary society, technology and science have both advanced to the point where well-being lifestyle has become more prevalent. In turn, providing more sporting facilities would be the starting point to maintain an optimal level of public health. With the sufficient facilities in the society, individuals are able to be given more opportunities to go to exercise in a more timely timelier manner.>> 더욱 때 맞춘 방법으로 운동을 갈 수 있다? 무슨 말인가요 As of so, there will be a strong trend for the public to place more importance on their health and hence, it may also encourage motivation of those who are not interested in their health. For example, according to the the current research, it is known that there is a strong correlation between with the public health and the frequency of visiting a sports centre. In this respect, increasing more these facilities may contribute to enhancing the optimal level of public health.>> research를 예로 드는건 안 좋습니다
On the other hand, despite the importance of role of these facilities, unless individuals obtain sufficient extra time to go to exercise from their competitive workplaces, sporting facilities will be a minimal influence on them. Should companies provide a better work environment and further incentives for the health of employees, it would be more feasible measure for them to become more proactive towards their health. On a larger scale, with social campaign towards the maintaining healthy life by the government, it may also allow individuals to raise their awareness about their optimal level of their health. For example, with the sufficient awareness, they are able to change their eating behaviour in a healthy way.
As for all issues of discussion, considering the importance of public health, it is difficult to emphasis the better of these methods, since these all measures are closely correlated with public health. Rather, as of placing equal importance on both providing facilities and alternative measures, it may bring a worthwhile effects in enhancing the level of the public health.
Given the contentious controversial and continuous issues surrounding the public health, it is deemed necessary to maintain a holistic understanding before grounding any firm opinions. Taking this into consideration, it is advisable to place attention on health life from a broader perspectives.
403자 입니다 Task1 + Task2 합친 글자수네요 예전부터 400자 넘는 글들이 나오고 있는데 그렇게 해서는 실력과 오류를 잡아내주려는 제 의도에서 많이 빗나갑니다 그래서 400자 넘는 글들이 안 나오게 첨삭 보다는 이렇게 조언을 해드리려고 합니다
250자 이상인 글에서 400자 넘는 글은 좋은 글이 나올 수 없습니다 400자 이상 쓰실 여력도 없으실거구요 시험장에서 쓴다고 해도 남들 Task1 Task2 쓰는데 보통 총 440자 선에서 한 시간 동안 쓰고 끝내고 나오는데 Task2만 400자 쓰면 나머지 시간 동안 못 씁니다 컴퓨터처럼 쉽게 수정할 수 있지도 않고 지우개로 지우고 다시 쓰고 그러니까요 그래서 쓴 글을 지워드리는 정도나 문법 잡는 첨삭 밖에 할 수 없습니다 400 자 넘으면 글 논리들 구조들 모두가 꼬입니다 보시면 굳이 쓰지 않아도 될 문장들이 많은걸 볼 수 있습니다 같은 주제로 글자수 줄여서 다시 써주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0으로 우선 점수는 드리겠습니다 주장 설명 예시 순서는 본문에 잘 됐지만 설명이 너무 길고 예시가 짧기도 하고 예시가 research로 들어서 별로 좋지 못한 예시입니다 그래도 시간 내에 못 썼다면 아마 5점대 정도의 점수가 예상되니 최대한 줄여주세요 전체적인 틀로 봐서 채점드린 것이구요 세세하게 보면 더 감점이 있을 수 있겠습니다 |