Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
It is a common belief that students should begin businesses in colleges. However, there is a more persuasive argument that starting businesses has more disadvantages than advantages to students.
On the one hand, it is evident that creating businesses can help students invest in their future because it can help them find their aptitude such as finding their jobs. Students can get many opportunities to find their occupations regarding regarded their businesses. For instance, they can improve students improved job abilities and could get knowledge and experiences in their businesses. This instance shows that students who created business at an early age tend to be employed earlier in the company regarded related to their businesses than others. Therefore, there are advantages of finding occupations in their future.
Nevertheless, students who started businesses tend to be find it hard to concentrate on their studies. This is because, students they have insufficient times to focus on their studying activities, as they have to focus on as doing businesses. For example, in Australia, students who fail their has got a fail on his assessment and exams in university are increasing because they have not enough time to pass them after he they began businesses. This example shows that it is difficult for students to combine both doing business and studies in colleges.
To sum up, while it is undeniable that there are advantages for studies to create businesses in their future. it it is apparent that students who started businesses at an early age struggle to concentrate to their studies in colleges.
총평: (6/6/6/5) 6.0
students 의 경우 동의어도 많으며, 굳이 동의어를 사용하지 않더라도 대명사 사용, 생략 등으로 이 단어의 반복을 충분히 대체할 수 있으니까 그걸 잘 활용해주세요! 특정 표현이 너무 과하게 반복되는 경우 좋지 않습니다.
또한 each 6.5 조건 때문에 나는 무조건 6.5 이상이 필요하다 싶으면 꼭 말씀해주세요~지금 예시 구성 등에도 문제가 있긴 한데, 조금 심화된 내용이며, 6.5, 7.0 이상이 필요하지 않은 이상 굳이 여기까지 들어가지 않고 그냥 뭐라도 써서 내용을 채우는 게 중요하기 때문에 일부러 생략했습니다. 지금 정도의 내용으로도 최소한의 정확성만 유지할 수 있으면 task 2에서 6.0까지는 가능할 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)