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No one argued s that computers have strong infulences on made our life fast and easy , making life faster and easier. These days, teenagers have a lot of opportunities to contact computer>>??. In this essay, I will show the reason that according to spending too much time, children are led to suffer from severe inside and outside problems.
To begin with, some people think that teenagers can use computers>> 사람들이 10대들이 컴퓨터를 사용할 줄 안다고 생각한다 이게 주장인가요?. Teenagers can get >> get 동사 피해주세요 easily some information and some friends online >> 한 단어입니다 easily. And >> and or also so but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 it is safer than going out. The wouldn't >> not 풀어서 써주세요have an accident and just stay quietly at home quietly.
However, I don't think so. I consider that spending time doing computer for htem is more dangerous. It makes them being hided hide themselves at home. They don't do not have any chance to go out and to make friends. At that time, teenagers, it is important to play role with not alone but friends>> ??. While they get in touch with friends, they can learn about good relationships and right behaviors in society. If they didn't do not know about that, when will they study relatioinships? >> 어떤 현재 사실에 반대할 만한 상황이 아닙니다 그래서 단순히 현재를 썼습니다
In addition, if they didn't do not 마찬가지입니다 go out and keep staying at home, their health would become worse. Watching computer screens for a too long time makes their eyes sight bad. Furthermore >> furthermore 는 다른 주장을 제시하는 부사입니다 피해주세요 본문 하나엔 하나의 주장만 필요합니다, carrying on sitting at the same position so long evokes myalgia, headache, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 and/or 앞에 콤마를 넣어주세요 and other physical pains. They can't cannot control their behaviors, especially teenagers;>> 세미콜론 앞엔 붙이고 뒤에는 한 칸 띄어주세요 even to adults, it is difficult to control themselves.
In conclusion, spending much time on computer has two sides that positive and negative points. Negative reasons are outweighed positive reasons. Teenagers can't >> cannot handle themselves. That is why I recommend that parents ought to help them gone on good ways to go out.
처음 쓰신다면 Task1 을 쓰셔야 합니다 Task2 는 아직 너무 이른 듯 싶네요
우선 라이팅 자체에 있어서 문법이 제대로 잡히지 않았습니다 충분히 쉬운 곳에 문법들이 틀리고
주장도 본론 1, 2 비슷해서 논리적으로 연결이 부드럽게 자연스레 넘어가지도 않습니다
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
4.5 예상합니다 |