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Nowadays, certain nations have concerned about how could they boost the public’s quality of life. It is often a controversial issue that whether the government should introduce a newly developed technology or provide non-cost 어색 education system. Personally, I think that it is much more beneficial way to serve the free cost education for the children because they are the future members of society, who will lead the country.
이 글의 토픽은 developing countries에 관련한 문제인데 이것에 대한 언급이 서론에 전혀 없습니다.
First of all, innovation of technology can be a major factor of country’s prosperity. Therefore, in developing countries to enhance the overall living standard of citizens investing much money on the technology is the best tactic in the long term. For example, with investment of invention of new devices, (comma) such as from manless 어색 unmanned? uncrewed? vehicle to and touch screen, the public can experience convenient life style, by driving and doing an assignment simultaneously. Thus, through the introduction of advanced technology, government can contribute to soaring the satisfaction rate of the individual’s life.
On the other hand, as time goes by the gap between the rich and poor will be more broadened since the usage of new devices is limited to the wealthy. Therefore, providing free education system will give a better influence for on the nation’s development. For instance, the children who suffer from poverty can enroll in schools and specialize their knowledge regardless of payment for the education. Hence, this trend facilitates the appearance of figures who will bring enormous innovation and development of that society. As a result, focusing on the education is much more desirable in the long term.
To sum up, it is reasonable to say that investing on the new technology gives a huge impact on the public’s convenient life. However, I believe that it has a tricky problem, and thus free education program which is free should be implemented by a government level for the future generation.
SCORE: 6
Comment: 두번째 본론에는 developing countries에 대한 내용이 있지만 다른 문단에서는 연관성이 많지는 않습니다. 문제가 요구하는 것에 초점을 더 맞춰주시고 the public이라고 주제에 맞지 않게 일반화하는 것 보다는 people in devloping country= underdeveloped nation.... 과 같은 곳에서 단어의 다양성을 주면 좋겠습니다. |