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It could be seen as zoos have has lost its primary aims according to some critics. However, in my perspective, the zoo did not
lose its purpose, it just changed its purpose. Previously, zoos were was a place for
education but now it is merely used for entertainment and protections.<내용 연걸이 잘 안됩니다> I
disagree with the idea that the zoo is useless.
Zoos still teach children many a lot of things in an entertaining way from natural laws. <내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> This place has started to attract more visitors with a unique display of animals, which is suitable for their habitats. People can learn about animals' certain living environments from visiting the zoo. All animals are living in a specific area that is suitable for their natural needs. Young children also can gain knowledge of natural evolution theory by observing the natural processes from embryos. Therefore, the educational zoo has brought a new purpose of entertainment entertaining. <(내용정리가 잘 안되어있으며 문장별 내용 연결성이 떨어집니다) (Need better transition)
Not only does the zoo has its entertaining
purposes but it is increasingly focusing on protection of on endangered species.
Nowadays, wild animals are exposed to all kinds of threats made by humans. The
human industrialisation has destroyed the natural laws. Due to human inventions
and its effects on to the earth, the natural ecosystem has been broken and damaged
wild life's habitats have been damaged. It can be seen from the an increasing number of species for
the protection on the list of government's proposals. Many hunters are killing
animals for financial or entertainment purposes. This Many animals are killed by
hunters because, it accelerates many the species to become an extinct. Therefore,
the government has is given the responsibility to zoos for the protection of
endangered species from man-made threats.
In conclusion, the zoos have has been changing
the purpose to entertain citizens and for the protection of animals.
Score: 6 Comment: 두 번째 문단의 organization에 조금 더 신경얼 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 동사나 plurality에 조금 더 신경얼 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |