Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In recent years, some people have been strongly arguing argue that forcing prisoners to be in jail longer than the current existed punishment will lower crime rates, while . However, >> 너무 길어서 끊어드렸습니다 others think that a number of other solutions can be effective alternatives other measures should be taken . In this essay, I am going to explore the two different perspectives with my own opinion. In this essay, two different perspectives will be given below.
First of all, convicts in a prison for a long time could have more opportunities of regretting of their offenses than those who are punished relatively weak sentences. This is mainly because, >> 콤마 빼주세요 because 앞뒤론 which 수식절 같이 문장 중간에 나와 , , 로 나눠주지 않는 이상 콤마 붙지 않습니다 rehabilitating programs offered in a penitentiary would help the offenders to rethink while serving their sentences. For example, someone who committed a child abuse must receive an education, which makes him>>?? him 이 누군가요? to repent his past in order not to re-offend. Additionally, longer jail sentences will play a leading role in deterring for anyone thinking of committing a crime. Consequently, being in a prison longer will be able to lessen crime in the future. >> additionally 는 추가적인 의견이나 주장을 나타내는 말입니다 밑줄 부분 지워주세요 하나의 주장, 의견만 가지고 다뤄주세요 밑줄 친 부분 빼셔도 250자 넘습니다
On the contrary, giving punishment criminals punishment with community service order would be an effectual alternative of diminishing the amount of crime. The chief reason is that the an injunction allows inmates to improve their personality, giving them the opportunity of returning compensating positive impact to society. For instance >> 예시 부분에선 확실히 표현해주세요, it is also shown in an article on the crime investigation that most people sentenced to 200 hours of social service activities would not be likely to re-offend. Therefore, a number of countries could decrease their second offense rates administering public-service punishment, which have affirmative influences on both their societies and offenders.>> 테스크에선 전반적인 crime rate를 말합니다 감옥형을 많이 줌으로써 사람들이 범죄를 일으키지 않게 한단 것이죠 비단 형을 받은 사람 뿐 아니라 사회에 있는 구성원들에게요 하지만 제시하신 의견은 2차적인 범죄 즉 형을 받은 사람들에 한해서 2차적인 범죄를 줄이는 것입니다 그 부분에서 오류가 있어 테스크에서 요구하는 내용을 모두 포함하지 못했네요
In conclusion, although both positions have their strengths, I absolutely agree with the former view >> 결론에선 the former view 이렇게 지칭이 아닌 어떤 내용인지 직접 내용을 페러프레이즈하거나 간단하게나마 작성해야 합니다. The reason why longer prison sentences could be more efficient to lower crime is that every prisoners has potential of committing a second conviction.
위에 말씀 드렸습니다 테스크에서 벗어난게 아쉽습니다만 전체적으로 단어가 다양하게 쓰이기도 해서 좋았네요
다른 부분은 위에 적어드렸으니 참고해주시길 바랍니다 2차적인 범죄로 갑자기 내용이 건너 뛰어서 통일성에서도 부족한 부분이 생겨서 아쉽네요 다시 생각해보셔서 쓰시면 7점도 가능하실 것 같네요
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다