▶ Your Answer :
Some people argue that learning a foreign language is not good for students in elementary school. (문장을 conjunction으로 시작하는건 좋지 않습니다) But However, I totally strongly do not agree with this view.<(sounds informal becaue of the word totally') There are some advantages for supporting my opinion.
Firstly, pupils can learn a foreign language easier than a higher school student. From the newspaper I read, the results showed that the younger the students learned foreign languages, the better they got scores they get on exams in tests related to a foreign language.
[Secondly, it's a trend all over the world. Our society is becoming more competitive, globalizing and specialized compared to the past. So we have to develop learning foreign languages to survive in this endless environment.] <(need to elaborate on this idea to make complete sense)
Thirdly, through studying foreign languages, it makes students want to learn other countries' cultures, life styles and so on. So when they grow up, they can do oversea works more easily and might challenge and kinds of things not to give up something. <(한문장에 내용이 너무 많아요)
In conclusion, there are some advantages to learning a foreign language. So I believe that learning a foreign language that at primary school is better than secondary school.
Score: 4 Comment: Paragraph가 too short합니다. 글자수도 250에 가깝지않아요. 더 쓰셔야합니다. 아이디어나 근거를 제시했지만 그것뿐이고 제대로 설명이나 예시나 이야기가 되어있지않아서 no value로 생각될수도있습니다. 또한 질문이 원하는 답을 거의 반영을 안했요. Introduction이랑 conclusion에 나오는 주장은 body에서 첫번째 근거만 답을 해주고 있고요 나머지는 연결성이 안보여서 no value입니다. 또한 first paragraph 예시도 result만 말해주시고 왜 어린아이들이 고등학생 보다 더 쉽게 배울시 있는지에 대한 정보는 없습니다. 즉 그 단락의 토픽 sentence과 뒤에 오는 내용도 clear 하지 않아요. Writing도 formal 하지 않는 경우가 많아요. 다른 에세이들을 읽어보면서 글쓰기 그리고 paragraph formatting 연습을해보세요. Introduction, body (argument and support), conclusion formatting은 잘하신거 같은데 내용이 부족합니다. |